Frustration..

Dear Blog,

When someone captures your heart.. you become vulnerable to them.. and sensitive to how they respond to you.. in every way. An ancient poet once said that even the biggest, strongest, and most arrogant man, when in the web of true love, becomes an emotional and soft being vulnerable to frustration and grief in front of the subject of their love..

Sometimes I feel so at a loss with her, I become so internally frustrated, and feel like banging my head against a wall and just shutting off my computer and turning off my mind.. I always then think to myself.. what am I doing wrong? Is it me? Am I trying too hard to maintain something? All I want is to keep her pleased, which in turn keeps me pleased, and to steer clear of any arguments.. and at times it seems to take its toll on me and give me this impending sense of internal friction (I'm sure she feels the same way), that ruins my sleep at night and makes me ask, "Is there something wrong with me, why can't I maintain a relationship like all of my friends and their girlfriends without such tension that seems to become more and more common in our every conversation?" I observe my friends in serious relationships, and their hollywood-model-refined girlfriends call or run up to them and jump on their laps, and share the intricate details of their day in such a cheery, warm, and feminine manner with no tension whatsover, as I watch the eyes of my friends glisten-- and this makes me *sigh* and wonder how great that must be.... and then I look closer to my friends and see that they are clearly less smart, less established, and look no better than I do, in fact at times I notice a couple of them are in far less physical shape than I am, and have horrible hygiene at times... and I wonder to myself "what is wrong with me, I think deserve that kind of treatment and joy in my life.. why am I not receiving it while these losers are?"... and whenever I observe these greetings of love with other couples, I always immediately remember how she intitially greeted and treated me in the movie before the last.. and I get really upset and feel that pain I felt right at that moment in that starbucks, as I thought to myself "I just maxed out my cards and travelled half way around the world so exhausted, with a severe headache from jetlag, no sleep, eager to hold her and run into our private little room to embrace, taste, and feel warm with her presence asap... expecting to see a warm and smiling face that eludes sincerity and true happiness at my safe arrival as anyone would expect from a lover they have not seen in months, and instead why am I greeted by a gloomy whining aura, such an inconsiderate attitude and distress, no hospitality, not an ounce of warmth and love in her eyes as she frantically looks to her phone and out of the glass window, not once uttering how I may be feeling, nor once looking at me in eyes, nor asking how my trip was, or if she has any plans for us, but rather indirectly implying that I should bring her something to eat because she is so stressed, as if I am nothing, and me sitting there like a loser not knowing what is going on, so tired and wanting to just lie down somewhere with her in my lap..... surely this is uncalled for, no matter how stressed she may be, I don't deserve this at all". I just can't seem to get that image out of my head as I sat there with these thoughts running through my head, and I became so frustrated, I need some closure for that, I still haven't forgiven that moment, it hurt so so so bad, and does more and more afterwards when that image reappears, especially as I observe the bliss of others with sheer joy and yearning. I honestly have to at times go for a serious run whenever I remember that incident, and try to supress and forget that image that broke me and made me feel like worthless crap. My heart aches everytime I remember that. Am I that much of a loser, why have people who have so much less to offer than me never subjected to such a feeling from the one they make their heart vulnerable to... am I trying too hard for a dead end?

It's quite noteworthy that she herself seems to know this, so certainly I must not be delusional:

"but im always giving u grief.. how are u still so into me.. it amazes me... my grief is at my own inconsistencies toward u"


It has become an emotional roller coaster lately, its hard to put into words.. but I struggle and try to maintain myself.. and think.. it's probably me, not her, maybe I'm misunderstanding her (although she seems to be under the misconception that I think that I am perfect), and maybe its just the external problems. I continue to hold on tightly to the promise of this relationship, continuously saying to myself over and over again, "she is a sweetheart and we will be happy together when there is no fear of publicity and our lives become one".... trying earnestly to iron out the dilemmas between us.. and I have adopted a very open type of communication in which I share with her exactly what I feel... hoping that she will understand me better, and return me the favor rather than leave me guessing what she is thinking and hoping for the best. But maybe thats a wrong question to be asking, there should be harmony NOW in every moment of our contact.. otherwise how can we expect that "there will be"? Maybe being far away makes this understandable.. and gives a satisfactory response? Can that be it?

She seems to have adopted an interesting way of making statements to me though, that is becoming more and more common... through a sort of awkward and formal vibe.. or through subtle gestures through her online speech... she knows exactly what I am talking about.. and at times I feel like an intruder just asking her about the details of her days.... or about what she did at a certain meeting.. or what she plans to do. Tired of feeling that way, I thought I wouldn't ask her or show concern through questions about her new afg-group, and she immediately become offended and told me that I seem careless, and went into awkward silence and a transparent vibe I could clearly sense that said "I'm offended". Sensing this, and not wanting her to feel bad, I began asking details about it, thinking perhaps she does really want my input (afterall I am happy she is making this group, I'm the one that gave her the idea, wrote her mission statement, and encouraged her, and I personally would enjoy and love to give her my input as I made clear to her long ago), and in response, she indirectly pushed me aside and gave me vague abrupt answers as to portray a sense of "I'm doing whatever I am, none of you business, go study".

With my heart and soul I want the best for her and want her to succeed and do great things, I wish she could truly realise this, once she does, maybe she can put down her guard with me... I honestly try to take in cues as much as possible and use them to in turn make her happy.. but it seems to backfire at times. For example, recently when I emailed her a very large and sincere action plan, thinking that maybe she would appreciate some guidance from me-- (afterall, she always says she values my advice and she is who she is due to my guidance and discussions)-- I clearly got a response of annoyance with a one liner that is in stark contrast to her usual enthusiasm and sweetness whenever she appreciates something or likes someting... as if she suddenly did not want me to give her advice or direction anymore... I wish she knew how awful these things make me feel.. it really really feels awful, I don't think I deserve to feel like that. It would be so great if these gestures did not exist, and she just explained to me openly and in the sweet and mature manner characteristic of her what it is she wants and doesn't want.. she has become a paradox.. and often makes me wonder in my mind "Gosh, please... please stop giving me such a hard time.. fine I will just.. just ignore everything and not talk and leave you alone.. just tell me.. if I leave you alone OR if I try to discuss with you and ask questions you become awkward (in a very obvious manner) either way.. please"

She seems to automatically think that my questioning is in bad light, and is an interrogation to discover whether or not she is telling the truth and that it is no more than a manifestation of distrust, she admitted this to me. This saddens me because nothing can be farther from the truth. I just want that sweetness I see my peers having.. gosh I want that so bad. She must really think I'm some sort of low-life that has absolutely nothing to do but focus on which tracks she takes every moment of her life, as if I have nothing to do all day-- if only she could take a glance at my schedule and my task-list on my Pocket-PC she would understand that I am so engaged in this worldly existence, that my only free time is when I speak to her. All I want is to feel close and one.. and feel like a real couple that shares their days and lives with one another wholly and spontaneously without effort.. I don't know how to make this clear to her.. It's hard to be so far away.. its hard.. I just want to be able to openly share EVERY detail of our life automatically with one another, no matter what the medium of communication.. I think to myself: "Am I missing something? Is there something about her I don't know that is making this so hard?"


My really great concern, that I could no longer sugar coat and hold in, and never felt at an ease right from the beginning... was her involvment with a certain group and person that I have become increasingly weary about, and I decided I will just let her know straight up that I can't accept this anymore, that it makes me feel uneasy, and want her no where near them anymore. I am so thankful and blessed that she immediately accepted and understood my feelings as being natural and made clear to me that my happiness is her priority, and that she will immediately stop her involvement with these subjects, and actually said "I obey you, and it is my duty". This gesture alone blew me away, and made me realise how lucky I am to have such a sweet girl as my lover, and that she really does care and is trying to make me happy, just as I am trying to make her happy.. that we just tend to really misunderstand each other at times..

I just hope these emotional oscillations come to a rest.. and we can be harmonious 24/7.. otherwise I fear greatly that one day I will just run away from this dilemma seeking peace just as my friends have found peace, enjoying my last days smiling away from frustration and drama.

I'm confident it will happen as we learn more and more about each other, let down our guards--and as long as love and passion exists, we will easily and happily conform ourselves to each others pet peeves and be fulfilled.

We have many great and fulfilling times ahead of us :) If we get through this, I think we will have the strongest and most satisfying of times. As the great saying goes, when there is a will, there is a way.

-m