Pen in my mouth.. sitting there.. looking intensely onto the screen analyzing priviledged data only few in the world can witness... thinking.. hmming.. nodding.. my heartbeat breaking the silence of the dark.., as green and red lights flash onto the wall from my machines, reflecting onto my iris..



I stretched.. decided to check my email.. log on.. and on msn there she was.. I became quite surprised and my lips formed a faint smile... I message her.. she messages me back.. she says she can't go back to sleep, I smile and look forward to a nice conversation as I had missed her for the last 2 days and wanted to hear what she had been up to, and tell her about my trip, talk about some random ideas, and interesting things I wanted to hear her opinion on..exchange usual warmness from the soul.. before we could even begin talking, and get over with the boring dullness of the business idea I was telling her about that I feel no passion about, before I could begin sharing with her some thoughts and worthwhile... security enabled machinery sensed my use of public internet and shut down my whole system as to prevent data leakage..



Damn.. I hastily try to reboot the system.. thinking in the back of my mind how much I wanted to speak with her, under my breath urgently whispering "please work, please turn back on".. takes awhile to reboot.. *sigh of relieve* internet signal turn on after 8 mins.. I sign on to meemseen... she is gone.. sms is sent across the pond: "bia".. staring at the computer screen waiting eagerly for her to come on.. she responds that she suddenly feels sick and wants to lie down, and there is cancellation of our convo tomorrow.. "plz bia.. diq shudam.. 4 me".. a story about mum and A arises in the reply.. what can I say to this? What is her mum doing at 330am? Surely that is untouchable, and compliance to such news is the only option... "ok fine dear, sleep well".. Disappointed that she couldn't sign on for even 5-10 minutes... I comply.. she senses my disappointment as it becomes obvious..



In that darkness, I sat for 10 minutes.... an exchange of a few text messages with cliched "xo's" elapsed.. staring onto the dark wall.. thought about the sad reality.. I realized a reminder of pathetic reality had just givin me a nudge. Feeling empty.... unable to have total control and open up to the other heart, restrained from full access whenever you want.. perhaps the worst feeling a man can have, certainly for me it is the worst and only aspect of my life that I would want to erase from my psyche.. Why do I not erase it? Who wants such feelings? I surely don't.. but something radically keeps me latched on with an unwavering intensity and urgency that the angels of death may envy.... what that something is I am beginning to think about and wonder more and more..

I thought a moment of my assignment on another land.. thinking to myself.. what am I becoming.... becoming something that one can only fantasize about.. where will this lead me.. to my demise.. or to my rise.. the latter is the prize, while the former will only be a surprise.

Got out of the room.. my roomates lecture one another on magnetic feilds and circuits.. and with a smile I call them geeks.. and lie down on the couch after I sip some tea.. reach my hand under the couch and pull out one of my books.. "cholecystokinin".. this affects the NTS in the brainstem.. interesting..



Tired.. I brush my teeth.. decide to email her the rest of the convo.. and perhaps write on this blog that seems to be only conveying the deep thoughts of one person.. how symbolic and ironic.. intended for 2, but there is only 1.. me.. alone.

well.. to put an image.. you just click customise.. and click edit on the "title".. played around with it a bit.. machim diga.. you're the "designer curtain girl".. jorish ko diga

-mj

I totally agree that what the video portrays of Islam is absolutely true, and had I not been a muslim I too would not be too fond of the religion. Anyone can make up an anti story about muslims and publish it, but pictures cannot be created. You're right, muslims themselves have provided the ammunition, and now they must reap the consequences. However, a member would say something like "these people have been driven to extremism by non muslims who seek to expolit us. We condemn the actions of such muslims, but we also understand where the hatred comes from. Mj, can you sympathise with the above? Can you sympathise with the anger? I, personally, can't see any justification for such behaviour. But I'm also aware that these muslims are uneducated and don't know how to fight intelligently, so does that put them entirely at fault?

I'm glad that you agree with me dearak, because this very fact is not agreed upon by many in the ummah, and lack of acknowledging this fact is the root of all of the ummah's problems, in my opinion (perhaps others may disagree). Individuals who say this are using the same worn out argument that I have heard for the past 4 years from almost every muslim activist I've spoken to. To put it frankly, the only reason why muslims are conjuring up excuses for the palestinian's tactics is... because they are muslim. Any intelligent and objective individual who looks at the history of this dilemma, and the tactics employed by both the jews and the palestinians will realise that the palestinians brought this upon themselves, and the zionists are no worse, but perhaps even morally superior as they seek to protect their grandchildren. It's a competition of understandable interests.

Absolutely.. I agree with you. There should be no understanding or sympathy with UNJUST acts, no matter WHO does it where. Period. The Muslim community can't seem to grasp this, because.. the killers share their identity.. muslim.

I really think the problem lies within Islam itself. There are elements within this imperfectly worded creed that is enabling these oppressed victims to channel their anger through, justify injustice, and hijack minds and innocent lives. There are elements in this creed that is enabling extreme interpretation by scholars people look up to without question (as the religion itself, in a sense, allows for the fortification of the notion of the imam being the supreme leader and knowing more than the common man, whose words we must absorb and accept without doubt-- I'm sure you have witnessed this). Without this aforementioned medium, or web of "religious justification for terrorism", suicide-bombing, hate-speech, and destruction of innocent lives would be non existant by muslims no matter how oppressed they become, because they would have no way to justify murder, and mobilize thousands into their web of terrorism under the context of it being justified (and western media would not have as much ammunition to fire). If religious scholars absolutely forbade extreme interpretations, do you think suicide bombing of innocent civilians would exist? Extremist Islam has existed far before the onset of contemporary israeli warfare... it has not been a sole product of zionist "oppression". If this was true, why would a young man raised in London and never subject to oppression, who always had food, clothing, and loving parents, who once became exposed to islam and heard some imams speak, developed a desire to kill innocent people for "jihad's sake"? Recent UK car bombings were done by two british-trained physicians with comfortable lives, what drove them to injustice? Oppression?

Millions of people get exploited and oppressed.. do they all become suicide bombers and kill random people on the street, inlcuding women and children? Hmm.. what do you think?

Lastly, I don't think it matters to say whether these muslims are at fault or not, it's not for me or you to decide and judge.. the reality is that they are currently engaging in ridiculous behavior that goes against all views of morality.. and this is invoking zionist response that is making even the good muslims look bad. To ameliorate the latter, getting rid of the former should be made the ultimate priority of all muslim activists and those that are truly "awakened".

-mj

Hello dearest,

Wowww your friend is partaking in similar activities? Please can you tell me more about his group and what exactly they do. Also, what does he think of the Obsession video? Did he agree with your analysis of it?


Hello to thee m'lady,

Well, its common thing for the pious university students nowadays to be involved in protecting what they stand for, protecting the label that defines who they are, whether its christians, muslims, or jews... at least that is what I have noticed here. I would have to say that at my uni, a small group of muslims, a dozen at most, even some from the infamous msa, have done amazing things like create free clinics, mentoring, science tutoring programs for jail in youth, and publishing the largest university-run islamic newspaper called "Al-talib" (whose editor recently got into Harvard Law School), and usually are the top students in many courses. However, there is the overwhelming majority of muslims that engage in a lot the of typical bullcrap that makes my fellow secular naturalistic folk and I cringe and grind our teeth. They are not more than simply whiners that play the victim card, that waste their time with their beards, caps, and hijabs as they forcefully preach and have festive social events full of garbage. As they try to "awaken" people, and force into their hands "enlightening" pamphlets that people only barely glance at and throw in the trash when they walk away (of course this is only my opinion and not necessarily fact). Nonetheless, I will admit that there are a few muslims doing some good for the community and the ummah at my uni.

My roomate is involved with the paper and msa, but spends more time on his engineering projects and is only vaguely active (I thought he was heavily active, but apparently now), and did some sort of internship with a large (in my opinion quite biased and useless) organization known as CAIR. He agreed with my opinion about the DVD.

-mj

If I got a dime for every moment I experienced the tremendous yearning to hold her close to my chest, I would be a millionaire today..

-mj

I "el o vee ee" you, just like the birds love the nectar of the sweet plum tree that kisses the depths of the earth with its long, strong roots..

-mj