A wish right now..

I wish I could just hold you.. just me and you.. in isolation.. in each others arms.. as we both hold tight and cry.... pressing our cheeks together....holding firmly each others head.... relieving ourselves of all the tension between us and in our lives.. forgetting about anything else that exists in our world..

Then at the end of the cry... looking up to one anothers eyes.. slowly letting our lips form smiles as we look in mutual admiration... and at that moment.. together in bliss.. the Angel of death takes our soul into that better place so very promised in so many creeds... I wish..

-m

The curse

Things aren't going so sweet and charming between us right now.. No matter how hard I try the last few days..I can clearly see that there is no more joy left in her for me.. towards me there is no more charm and sweetness left in her heart.. no more "jans" or warm gestures that is so characteristic of her.. not with me anymore.. with others I am sure. My text message of warm gestures now go without acknowledgment into a dark cyber world.. my e-kisses unattended.. my emails replied with an obvious attempt to indirectly make a statement with its tone.. probably going back and deleting anything that may sound warm, perhaps not knowing exactly why she is doing this... This is happening likely due to expression of my feelings on some shortcomings that she acknowledges the existence of as well, or perhaps due to something more interesting in nature that I keep unaware of.. the human mind works and responds to feelings in odd ways, often shutting out certain urges spontaneously.. I notice this to be a common theme amongst us emotional beings.. but all it does is create more internal chaos in the soul... and eventually guilt and regret.

I have become a prolific writer and an elaborate thinker with little sleep .. in a sense isolating myself into a lonely compartment.. so lonely in here.. with the ticking of the clock as my companion.. I am in a quest of finding myself.. a crucial moment in my life.. should I succomb to the depression of knowledge of a fatal affliction.. or plow forcefully ahead as if nothing is wrong? Everyday is like a new battle as I wake up thinking if I should leave my bed or just lie there.. forcing myself to cheer up as I walk to work looking to the graveyard opposite the street I walk on..wondering how those bodies have died.. at work often being probed by colleagues' seemingly concerned looks, whispers, and the occasional "are you ok"....downess even sensed by Dr.S within the last couple weeks.. not able to fall asleep in the nights as again and again reality hits me.. sometimes screaming into my pillow as I grab its edges and bury my face into it.. rolling from side to side.. what have I done for this.. oh God to you I have given thanks after every meal even amidst my blasphemy... why me.. a person who wants to feed and help the very people you have damned?


I realise I am alone in this quest, with this affliction that no one even brings up.. or comforts me about... this affliction that I have kept a secret except to 3 people.. often I yearn to reach out and release on someones warm shoulder, but I cannot share this knowledge, fearing that I do not want to burden anyone.. especially Dr.S whom I fear of burdening the most.. for I do not want her every moment with me a burdensome experience, although it seems to be going towards that way regardless of my efforts to elicit the opposite...

People so isolated into their own worlds and lost in their own emotions and feelings and desires.. it would be so nice if they step into my shoes for one moment.. ahh, they would fall to the ground and give thanks for the very things they take for granted everyday.. So indulged we humans can be in our personal dilemmas and egos that we become blind and insensitive.. so caught up in our sensitivities that we fail to see the grander scheme of things..

I have been earnestly exploring the meaning of life.. religion.. agnostisicm.. what should I do.. who should I make happy most.. should I.. or should I not.. what is love.. what is contentment.. what if I become destroyed.. what decisions about education.. my family.. mom.. mom.. disappointment.. what what what.. questions questions.. uncertainty about every aspect of my life as I sit and think and zoom into the details of everything going on around me.. all the result of knowledge of uncertainty of my viable existance. I have been cursed.


-m

4:37am.. sitting in the silence of my lonely apartment, probably not a person around within a 2 mile radius.. laptop on my lap.. staring to my hands on the keyboard humming to myself.. all I hear is the ticking of the clock.. and a last sentence occured to me..

"From disorder to order, life as we know it emerges and evolves, for no reason but to fuel a faster rate of thermodynamic disorder and degeneration in this ever expanding universe…"

My eyes fiercly focus towards the screen at the words I had just typed.. a couple minutes pass.. I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment and lean back on my chair..

I put my computer aside, and slowly looked away with a strange feeling as I stared at the shining moon from my window.. more than 15mins elapsed as I sat there with a strange feeling in a sort of dark thought.. biting my lower lip.. what if what I write is true?

-m

Somewhere Over the Rainbow..

http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=2A2Jt4WOxN8

^ I love this version of this song. It makes me feel all warm and happy inside. I can't help but feel optimistic of the future when I listen to this song.. blissful ignorance? Whatever, it still feels good.

Enjoy :)


-s



Gosh, that tune was so therapeutic..
-m

Cleaning binge

I stumbled out of bed today.. my hair all over the place.. such a cold lonely morning, I feel so empty and my soul restless.. I walked to the bathroom as my jewels were hanging out of my boxers for some reason.. I pee.

My roomate yells.. "dang its cold, as he cringes in his bed".... I reply "what are you talking about, its not that cold.. you should get your thyroid checked out, you may have hypothyroidism, you're always cold fool".

Or maybe its me.. maybe it was really that cold and my senses feel only slightly cold.. how do I know? I look to my phone and read "6 missed calls from kabul".. oh thats great, the moment couldn't get anymore cold.. I lie down on my bed.. and bury my face into the pillow..

I get up about 10 minutes later.. and stumble into the living room.. and stare around.. gosh so messy, what the hell was going on in there I thought.. the cleaning binge began..

Washed my bed sheets, my blanket, my clothes, reorganized my desk, my bookshelf, took out the trash, vacuumed, dusted.. ahhhhhhhhhh sighhhhh feels so good now..

Its strange that I've developed these urges to clean all the time within the last year.. I used to drive my parents crazy with my messiness... my mom just cant imagine me having a nice organized room with my clothes folded nicely in my closet.. niether can my dad.. its like an inside joke that they tell everyone about "ohhh Dr. M never cleans his room.. his undies all over the place".

People do change..

-m

Room 1

It was today.. 1 year ago.. in that room, the window we can barely see in this window.. those patches of grass were kissed by our feet as we held one another.. after our First, the initiation of souls fully interwined as the centers of our source united.. sweet bright blood of innocence tasted by the fresh white linen.. her virgin essence not brought to me by man-made ceremony, but by deep rooted love, passion, and trust..

I arrived into LHR in the late evening.. 11:30PM. Walking to the border patrol gate, the old english man stares into my eyes "where you onto lad?".... "I need to get to stokes poges in Slough, sir".. he seemed very kind and helpful, and walked me to the taxi line.. "well its too late now to take the tube, taxi is only option". The airline had lost my luggage, my toothbrush and shaving kit were in it.. I asked the cab driver, a chubby middle-aged man with a thick Irish accent, to stop at any open store along the way. He asked me where I'm off to and why, and we got into a little conversation about nutrition and fitness--he wanted to lose weight. I arrived at the hotel half nearly 1am, a very cheery and considerate young lady showed me to my room.. Room 1. She came back twice to make sure all was well with a strange smile and sense of mischief on her face.

I looked around the room, so elegant and mysterious.. the wind and freezing temperatures could be felt by simply staring out of the window.. I pulled the curtains, turned on the heat.. very tired, yet excited at the same time that I would see my Love in 8 hours! We promised to meet at 8:30. I was really hungry.. and saw some cookies near the teapot, and ate them at once.

Lying on the bed.. I stared at the red dot of light eminating from the large TV in front of me.. "THUMP" a random noise bounced to my ear startling me.. my eyes wide open.. my heart skips a beat.. silence ensues for the next few minutes.. "THUMP" the tv sounds as if it will fall from wall.. Silence follows once again as I lie there.. thinking to myself.. could this old mansion in the middle of the countryside be haunted?

I awake and look to the time.. 7:30am.. take a warm shower.. check my emails.. and sit in front of the TV.. pressing on its corners in various combinations to see if I could re-create the noises I heard in the night.. I could not. It's 8:30am.. I look to the window.. walk outside.. stare.. wait. I come back to my room, stumble through my phone to find her mobile, "baby" I hear her sweet voice.. she is on her way. The clock turns 10:15am.. and I could not take the hunger and walk downstairs to eat breakfast.. the maid, very nice, gives me a warm smile and brings the tea to my table..

As I began to eat.. my back facing the entrance.. staring into the open, green land, visible from the large windows in front of me.. I hear footsteps approaching fast down the stairs and towards the room.. I knew it was her.. as I sat with a forkful of eggs going to my mouth.. she embraces me from behind and urgently plants her sweet warm lips to my face as her delicate hands wrap around me.. coming from the freezing temperatures of the london winter breeze, her cheek felt so cold on my face, yet the soft tenderness of it felt soo delightful.. I embrace her head and plant a long kiss on that cheek.. her hair so soft, her smell so fresh, her face so sweet.. I feel so relieved she made it to my presence; inside I feel so warm. I pull the chair next to me.. gesturing her to join me and eat...

Suprisingly we were still a bit awkward with one another..

*to be continued* -m

We called him Junior..

One and a half inches big, half the size of my index finger, beginning to take form. A mass of cells or a newborn soul? I struggled with this thought for weeks. Am I supposed to love him? I suppose I didn't at the time, not as much as I do now that he's gone. It was only upon realisation at the extent of his development that I really began to love him. But it was too late for love, he was gone, captured by the blizzard and taken away. Torn out of his snug cradle without warning and pulled into an unfamiliar machine so cold and foreign. And now he lies somewhere.. in a jnr dumping ground? or respectfully laid to rest somewhere? I didn't think to ask of his fate. Why didn't I ask? Didn't I care? So consumed in my own pain, I didn't think of the undeserved pain I had inflicted on him..

I'm inclined to refer to him as a he.. I don't know why.. just one of those feelings. My little miracle. A product of our love. Half of each of us in literal union. When two become one, in more than just the sentimental romantic sense of the phrase. A sweet little bud waiting to bloom with beautiful colours. Unfortunately he was sown at an inconvenience, and his blooming had to be ceased, for reasons that are quite justified. Still, it's unfair that he had to exist in the first place without allowing him to progress to his full potential. I hope he forgives us.

I guess my regret is that I (we) did not pay him the attention he deserved while he was with us. Engrossed in our own activities, we failed to acknowledge him sincerely. I regret not telling him that I loved him. Am I being too sentimental? Would he have heard me anyway? Was he even a "he", or was it simply an "it"?

I do love him. And I pray that his soul, if he had one, is resting in peace.
You will be recreated little one, in due time..


-s

That last image..

That last image: back turned, hand on door, bag on hunky shoulder, scarf wrapped around neck.. so handsome, so striking, my man. And with a cheeky grin and kiss blown at me, away he went.. my knight in shining armour departs, back into the depths of my dreams, memories only to be accessed by unfulfilled yearns.

My man.. I sat for a while and thought about that after he left, still tasting his sweet kisses, still feeling his warm hands on my face, his heavenly voice echoing in my ear, cherishing each particle of his scent left behind. I looked down at the book he had given me and the Gap envelope of which I knew the contents, held them to my chest and wept. I wept with gratitude, with appreciation at what I had. What I had was the world. I bowed my head in humility and thanked Him, Whoever, Whatever He was, I thanked Him for my man, for bringing him to me, for allowing our union.

Conscious that I had to leave, I made one last check of the room (ok, 3 checks lol) and packed my things. Half way out, I had one last glance at our temporary lodging, that we made into our heavenly abode. Our garden bloomed. I smiled and left with a spring in my step.

Until the next time my love, I shall cherish that last image..


-s

The only think lacking in my life is my beautiful sweet maro, whom I have been pining for so badly the past few days :'(

-s



Yeah.. pining seems to be quite intense.. I tend to analyse it in myself with a smirk and wonder.. what is this.. just close my eyes and take it in.. take in the feelings.. ahh.. let it simmer through my body.. emotions are a phenomenon.. the intense ones tend to open windows into ourselves.. really makes one learn of oneself, and look at your soul face to face struggling with your mind.. I now understand why many sufi masters, upon a seeking sudent coming to their steps, they would ask the student "have you ever been in love?", and if the student said "no", they told him to go and fall in love first, and then come back.. for only then they could become a sufi. Why was this the case?

-m

Constipation + God = Cereal

"During the early 19th century, most Americans subsisted on a diet of pork, whiskey, and coffee. It was hell on the bowels, and to many Christian fundamentalists, hell on the soul, too. They believed that constipation was God’s punishment for eating meat. The diet was also blamed for fueling lust and laziness. To rid America of these vices, religious zealots spearheaded the country’s first vegetarian movement. In 1863, one member of this group, Dr. James Jackson, invented Granula, America’s first ready-to-eat, grain-based breakfast product. Better known as cereal, Jackson’s rock-hard breakfast bricks offered consumers a sin-free meat alternative that aimed to clear both conscience and bowels."


Constipation as God's punishment for eating meat.. that is something quite fascinating.. God has such unique punishments.. hmm .. "Today I will clog your ass for eating meat, and I won't even tell you why I am clogging up your ass, you should just assume that its probably because you are eating meat"..... You have quite a sense of humour Mr. God.

Nontheless.. Dr. Jackson did come up with something healthy :)

-m

On my way to her

December 2 through December 5..

Was a wonderful meeting between us.. The availability of my phone, and convenience of the locations of the secret places of love & rest made this a very stress-free.. relaxed.. fullfilling.. embracement, moreso than any of our past encounters inside the Foggy City. Everything smooth.. almost mystical like was our gestures towards one another..

To describe my journey..

On my way to the Foggy City.. the night before so excited.. frantically finishing up my projects, thinking I would sleep on the plane.. the plane ride there.. reached stop one, and looked at the time, there was only 20 minutes left before the next flight out of philadelphia.. I became quite nervous and uneasy.. thinking to myself, how unprofessional these

"to be continued"...