The curse

Things aren't going so sweet and charming between us right now.. No matter how hard I try the last few days..I can clearly see that there is no more joy left in her for me.. towards me there is no more charm and sweetness left in her heart.. no more "jans" or warm gestures that is so characteristic of her.. not with me anymore.. with others I am sure. My text message of warm gestures now go without acknowledgment into a dark cyber world.. my e-kisses unattended.. my emails replied with an obvious attempt to indirectly make a statement with its tone.. probably going back and deleting anything that may sound warm, perhaps not knowing exactly why she is doing this... This is happening likely due to expression of my feelings on some shortcomings that she acknowledges the existence of as well, or perhaps due to something more interesting in nature that I keep unaware of.. the human mind works and responds to feelings in odd ways, often shutting out certain urges spontaneously.. I notice this to be a common theme amongst us emotional beings.. but all it does is create more internal chaos in the soul... and eventually guilt and regret.

I have become a prolific writer and an elaborate thinker with little sleep .. in a sense isolating myself into a lonely compartment.. so lonely in here.. with the ticking of the clock as my companion.. I am in a quest of finding myself.. a crucial moment in my life.. should I succomb to the depression of knowledge of a fatal affliction.. or plow forcefully ahead as if nothing is wrong? Everyday is like a new battle as I wake up thinking if I should leave my bed or just lie there.. forcing myself to cheer up as I walk to work looking to the graveyard opposite the street I walk on..wondering how those bodies have died.. at work often being probed by colleagues' seemingly concerned looks, whispers, and the occasional "are you ok"....downess even sensed by Dr.S within the last couple weeks.. not able to fall asleep in the nights as again and again reality hits me.. sometimes screaming into my pillow as I grab its edges and bury my face into it.. rolling from side to side.. what have I done for this.. oh God to you I have given thanks after every meal even amidst my blasphemy... why me.. a person who wants to feed and help the very people you have damned?


I realise I am alone in this quest, with this affliction that no one even brings up.. or comforts me about... this affliction that I have kept a secret except to 3 people.. often I yearn to reach out and release on someones warm shoulder, but I cannot share this knowledge, fearing that I do not want to burden anyone.. especially Dr.S whom I fear of burdening the most.. for I do not want her every moment with me a burdensome experience, although it seems to be going towards that way regardless of my efforts to elicit the opposite...

People so isolated into their own worlds and lost in their own emotions and feelings and desires.. it would be so nice if they step into my shoes for one moment.. ahh, they would fall to the ground and give thanks for the very things they take for granted everyday.. So indulged we humans can be in our personal dilemmas and egos that we become blind and insensitive.. so caught up in our sensitivities that we fail to see the grander scheme of things..

I have been earnestly exploring the meaning of life.. religion.. agnostisicm.. what should I do.. who should I make happy most.. should I.. or should I not.. what is love.. what is contentment.. what if I become destroyed.. what decisions about education.. my family.. mom.. mom.. disappointment.. what what what.. questions questions.. uncertainty about every aspect of my life as I sit and think and zoom into the details of everything going on around me.. all the result of knowledge of uncertainty of my viable existance. I have been cursed.


-m