Monday, 23 July 2012
Today is your birthday. Happy birthday handsome tiger :)
You're 26 years old today. Wow, the 17 year old teenage MJ that I first met is now a 26 year old grown man. Can you believe that it's been 8 years since we first met? It blows my mind..
I hope the sun is shining for you on this blessed day. May you see many many more happy birthdays, sadqayt shawom. What I wouldn't give to be there with you today..
I haven't stopped thinking about you. Every minute of every day. You're the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing before I sleep. And every morning I wish you sweet dreams, and every night in bed I pray that you have a happy day.
I love you so much. Have a beautiful day today baby, enjoy it.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
The one that got away
Monday, 19 December 2011
Tuesday, 30 November 2010
A Long Dark Wait
I'm angry all the time. I hate everyone and everything. I'm absorbed by it, filled with it. The teasing of life -- I'm angry at having been shown happiness and then have it taken away from me. The cruelty shown by the author of my life. There must be an author, because I would not have written this for myself.
The author of my life - God or him? I've never been a believer of destiny, God only creates us and watches us destroy ourselves. I gave my life to him, he had my life, he held it's pen, and he wrote. He wrote for me the most beautiful fantasy, created for me a utopia, he let me feel happiness of unimaginable beauty. And then he wrote himself out of my life, and my world crashed.
And here I am, serving my life sentence of misery. Every day seems like an eternity passing; it exhausts me to think of how many eternities I have yet to endure. I can think of nothing but him, his name circulates my thoughts, my mind is saturated by him. I walk though life aimlessly, with only a dark cloud for company. I walk but I am stationary, as if I'm waiting.. awaiting the end, waiting to be relieved. How much waiting can one's patience tolerate before they decide they have to excuse themselves, to just bow out? Until they reach that threshold one can never know.
I hate what he's done to me, and yet though I wish I had a happier ending I would still re-live this all again given the option. Because all the pain is worth the intermittent teases of heavenly joy. He showed me happiness of a pure kind, head-reeling sensations of bliss, intoxicating chest filling emotions that must just be pure happiness. I would accept any degree of pain in exchange for just a single minute more of this happiness. I know with certainty that no other person in the world could generate such a feeling in me but him. I know this because I believe that what I feel for him is pure true love, and by definition love can only ever be for one.
It frustrates me when he tells me that time will heal my pain and that fate will allow my union with another some day. It frustrates me because he knows not of the morbid reality of it, or chooses not to know. For me there will never be anyone who will come remotely close to replacing him, let alone exceed him in any way. He cannot be exceeded, for he is unearthly and his status unattainable by mere mortals. And I fear that his uninformed insisting of the validity of his naïvely wishful hopes of my future will instead result in a permanent shroud of darkness upon my future; He has hope that I will find another, but I am certain that I can give my heart to no other. It is his, he already owns it, and it will always belong to him without condition, nor can he return it.
What I feel for him now is a mix of both love and hate -- such is the paradox of love. The overriding feeling though now is that of intense frustration, the gut wrenching helpless feeling of despair. I cannot make him see my reality, I’m desperately desperate for him to snap out of his airy fairy wish for my future. He thinks he is helping me, but he will destroy me, and in many years time this will be proven to him. It frustrates me that I have to wait for years to pass for him to be convinced, to waste my youth on proving to him that I cannot live without him. Time is precious, these are the days of our lives. The frustration that he thinks he knows me better than I know me. The despair, the despair.. it kills every fibre of my being. I wish he could feel my pain, because if he could feel my pain he would do everything in his power to end it and would beg for my forgiveness.
The author of my life - God or him? I've never been a believer of destiny, God only creates us and watches us destroy ourselves. I gave my life to him, he had my life, he held it's pen, and he wrote. He wrote for me the most beautiful fantasy, created for me a utopia, he let me feel happiness of unimaginable beauty. And then he wrote himself out of my life, and my world crashed.
And here I am, serving my life sentence of misery. Every day seems like an eternity passing; it exhausts me to think of how many eternities I have yet to endure. I can think of nothing but him, his name circulates my thoughts, my mind is saturated by him. I walk though life aimlessly, with only a dark cloud for company. I walk but I am stationary, as if I'm waiting.. awaiting the end, waiting to be relieved. How much waiting can one's patience tolerate before they decide they have to excuse themselves, to just bow out? Until they reach that threshold one can never know.
I hate what he's done to me, and yet though I wish I had a happier ending I would still re-live this all again given the option. Because all the pain is worth the intermittent teases of heavenly joy. He showed me happiness of a pure kind, head-reeling sensations of bliss, intoxicating chest filling emotions that must just be pure happiness. I would accept any degree of pain in exchange for just a single minute more of this happiness. I know with certainty that no other person in the world could generate such a feeling in me but him. I know this because I believe that what I feel for him is pure true love, and by definition love can only ever be for one.
It frustrates me when he tells me that time will heal my pain and that fate will allow my union with another some day. It frustrates me because he knows not of the morbid reality of it, or chooses not to know. For me there will never be anyone who will come remotely close to replacing him, let alone exceed him in any way. He cannot be exceeded, for he is unearthly and his status unattainable by mere mortals. And I fear that his uninformed insisting of the validity of his naïvely wishful hopes of my future will instead result in a permanent shroud of darkness upon my future; He has hope that I will find another, but I am certain that I can give my heart to no other. It is his, he already owns it, and it will always belong to him without condition, nor can he return it.
What I feel for him now is a mix of both love and hate -- such is the paradox of love. The overriding feeling though now is that of intense frustration, the gut wrenching helpless feeling of despair. I cannot make him see my reality, I’m desperately desperate for him to snap out of his airy fairy wish for my future. He thinks he is helping me, but he will destroy me, and in many years time this will be proven to him. It frustrates me that I have to wait for years to pass for him to be convinced, to waste my youth on proving to him that I cannot live without him. Time is precious, these are the days of our lives. The frustration that he thinks he knows me better than I know me. The despair, the despair.. it kills every fibre of my being. I wish he could feel my pain, because if he could feel my pain he would do everything in his power to end it and would beg for my forgiveness.
Friday, 24 July 2009
Day 3
I went to use the internet to see if my brother had e-mailed me. I saw a message in my inbox, but it was not from my brother. It was from an old internet acquaintance, the same acquaintance that M happened to be linked to before me. She warns me about M, telling me that he is a womaniser and that I should beware not to fall victim to his promiscuous ways. She told me he had tried to contact her recently.. my heart sank so deep as I read. I believed her, I knew she was telling the truth.. because I knew that he was capable of such.
Panic shot through me. I stared at the bathroom where he was getting ready. What was I doing here? Thousands of miles away from home, from my family who had 100% trust in me, my family who I had deceived to be here, with a guy who I was learning I knew less and less about, doing things with him.. my heart started beating faster as I began to panic. He seemed so distant to me at that moment.. who was he? What did he want from me? Was I just another "chick" ? A huge lump developed in my throat as I sat in front of the laptop trying to catch my breath. He came in and said something to me - I could hardly take in what he was saying.. something about taking care of one's appearance.. I don't remember, because I was not listening, I could not concentrate. I just stared at him, as he spoke, trying to figure him out. "Who the hell are you?" I remember screaming at him inside my head, "what have you done this to me?". He spoke and I nodded and smiled.. inside I was slowly dying.
Suddenly I wasn't looking forward to the day ahead anymore, I just wanted to run out of there and get on the first plane back home.. I was with a stranger. The feeling was surreal, I had never viewed him as a stranger before, but at that moment I just could not figure out who he was. But I stayed.. tried to reassure myself that this was just a big misunderstanding, and that I couldn't possibly be so naive that I would be taken for a fool this way. I composed myself, brushed all my doubts under the carpet and told myself to relax. I mentally rejected all the doubts that were brewing inside of me and convinced myself that there had been some gross misunderstanding.. I allowed myself to warm to him again.. we went on to have a great day. I had suppressed my emotions well - sure the thoughts would re-emerge at unexpected times throughout the day, but I did not allow my mind to let them flourish. I knew that it would be wrong to let my emotions hijack me on this trip that I had wished for so hard during the 3 months prior.. at least not without investigation.
And investigation I did.. as soon as I got back to London. But he was smart. He played the "admit before you get blamed" trick -- in my e-mail was a message from him informing me that they had been in contact, portraying it light-hearted and jokingly, "your rival is back".. very clever indeed - I mean, if he sets the tone as a joke, with any luck I too would reply with el-oh-el's, right? Wrong. Unluckily, I failed to see the funny side of it. It hurt even more that he thought I was THAT stupid and naive and malleable that I would actually laugh along with him like some dumb bimbo. He tends to forget that I am smarter than him at times. I certainly wasn't laughing..
Confronted with my unexpectedly negative response, he exhibited defensive anger - anger that his attempts to direct my response didn't work out as planned. I asked him to send me their dialogue if there was nothing to hide. He plainly objected.. 1-up for me. Why would you refuse to show something to someone you claim to love, something you know would mean a lot to that person, unless you had something to hide? "Ask her to show you" he replies, knowing that I would never ask her. Very clever - if he's asking me to ask her to show me then it must mean that he's got nothing to hide, right? Wrong. It means that he thinks I'm a dumb bimbo.
I never did ask her.. in fact, I told her that she must have got her wires crossed, that he would never do such a thing.
Lier. You embarrassed yourself, and me by asking her if I was flirtatious and what I said to her. She forwarded me your email, and with it put me down by stating that the person I claim to be my best friend cannot trust me.
I would have embarrassed myself if I hadn't asked. Not asking would have made me look naive, and without dignity and self respect. Anyone would have asked, it's not about trust. I asked it knowing that one of two outcomes would occur;
1) She would be proved wrong and made to look a fool for even confronting me about it, or
2) You would be found to be guilty, in which case I would no longer care how our relationship is portrayed.
Believe me, I thought long and hard about whether or not to ask her, and I still stick by my decision. I don't think it made us look bad at all, rather it made her look bad.
I didn't want her to know that our relationship was on the rocks. I didn't want her to think that our relationship was weak. I tried to make her jealous, by saying that we were perfect together and that things could not get any better. How pathetic of me. She was probably rolling around laughing at her computer screen reading my e-mail, maybe with him.. both pitying me. He told me that they were no longer in contact, yet a few weeks later he expressed that they had a conversation after the supposed 'last conversation' in which she expressed her vulgarity towards "farsi zubaans". I mean if you're going to lie at least remember what you lied about, right?
Soon you will feel very bad and quite pathetic once you read the emails I sent to Sofia. But it will be too late-- you took a mere few words from a stranger without evidence, and used it to debase everything I stand for. The whole reason for not sharing, was to see your response, and test your faith in me. Plus, you can never be satisfied with me forwarding you emails, as that would not eliminate doubt, due to the possibility of me editing them.
I don't need to see the content of the e-mails. The very fact that you e-mailed her so soon after we broke up is an action that is worth more than words to me. I just can't see past this.. and I can't understand your explanation for it.
I have come across genuine honest pious people before. He is not that type of guy.
You wrote this statement a few weeks ago, it was in the draft folder here. Then a few days ago you email me saying I am the "most amazing person you know". I ignored the latter, knowing that it's false. You throw out emotions that clash and do not withstand time. Fake.
You portray clashing personalities, I just don't know what to think of you anymore. You are like two different people, hot and cold all the time.. which is why I and deeply in love with you one day and the next day I hate you. It's not me being fake, it's you being inconsistant.
His philosophy is "what they don't know won't hurt them". This coupled with his more than average interest in women and sex, there was no doubt that he was capable of (at least) thinking of multiple relations at one time. Note, one must distinguish capable from the actual -- I had no proof that he was doing anything unlawful, but I knew that he had the type of conscious that would not stand as an obstacle for him doing such. The fact that he had contacted her so soon after our break up confirmed this. Guilt was no deterrent. He is not a God-fearing person either, so there was no comfort for me there either. The fear I had had about him almost from day one was now becoming a stark possibility. I never trusted him 100%, from the moment I met him, but I wanted to be with him and I forced myself to overlook the worrying reality.
The interesting thing is that I had predicted it - and now it was being confirmed to me. During those months when he had left me I actually knew that he would get in contact with her, every bone in my body was screaming it to me.. and that was probably one of the most difficult things about the break-up for me - the fear that I was being dumped for a prettier, smarter, more interesting girl. Adding to the anxiety was that fact that she was the only girl in the world that I have ever been jealous of. I'm not a naturally jealous or possessive person, but of her I was jealous.. ever since our time on the forums together. I mean she has everything that I don't have, and more.. including my husband now it seems. She is super-intelligent, philosophical, wrote amazingly, was pretty, religious, pure, a good girl.. I am used, easy, lazy, unintelligent, a failure, ugly. I even remember he used to say that he had a thing for female lawyers in their attire. I used to fool myself and make myself believe that he had "chosen me" over her. I used to fantasise about all the things I had above her, and when I couldn't think of anything I would ask him "why did you choose me over her?" and he would always reply with "I don't know, you're sweet I guess". Bullshit. The first (and only) poem he had once written and sent me, titled "Oh daughter of adam" (or something), I remember reading it 20 times a day for one year straight. I had printed it out and had kept it in my wallet, I would even boast about it to my friends. Later I discovered he had sent the exact same poem to her before me. I was just an experiment, to see how I'd react to it, to give him a kick, a laugh.. it was actually meant for her. How embarrassing to think that I actually thought I was first choice, when in fact I was just second best.. how utterly embarrassing..
Did you already forget the dozens of notes and little rhymes I would write for you in person, suprising you at the door and on your desktop?
Rhymes and poems are not the same, they are two very different things. Rhymes can be written in 5 minutes, poems cannot.
It's probably why he feels so "depressed" about me sending him birthday gifts.. I mean why would anyone feel "deeply saddened" about receiving gifts from a loved one on their birthday?? Unless ofcourse he was feeling guilty about something.. had his conscience caught up with him? Should I be glad that he at least has a conscience? This is slightly reminiscent of the times when he would express with me his "sadness" at Mina sending him gifts. And that also explains the ignoring - he hopes that if he ignores me for long enough that I will just leave him, because he hasn't got the balls to tell me that he has found someone else, JUST LIKE he did to Mina. Wow, the realisation that I am suddenly another Mina.. wowww.
I should be asking you-- the one who cries whenever I give her something, and yells and claims to be extremely saddened to receive a gift from me, and then admits that she is inadequate. I always wondered why you wouldn't get happy. Last time I tried giving you a gift, you looked at it in disgust and said it was an ugly bracelet and you would never put it on your arm, and scolded me for buying it. I will never forget that, it really hurt-- if it was any other guy or girl that gave you something, you would kiss their feet and smile. Check drm.drs@hotmail.com about how I cherished your gifts.
I don't like how you do that - you turn it back around onto me when you feel threatened by an accusation that I make about you. When I get upset about you giving me gifts its because I know you don't have the money to buy me such gifts. I'm just the type of person who doesn't like to recieve gifts from anyone, not just you. I prefer giving. I can't believe you took that bracelet thing seriously. Ofcourse it was not an ugly bracelet, any sane girl would love it. I was annoyed because you spent money that you don't have, and I specifically warned you not to. How could I possibly feel good about it knowing that you're spending money that you could be using to buy food or pay bills, etc. Hence the reason I left you that money.
And to top it all off (this actually had me speechless and barely mobile for 30 mins straight), I had texted him that I'd call him on his birthday to speak to him. I even gave a specific time that I'd call. I woke up an hour earlier that morning, excited as fuck, to get to my work location an hour early so that I could call him before I started work. I ran out of the train station and frantically dialed his number, barely able to because of sheer excitement.. but I got greeted by his voicemail. I walked into a shop, locked myself in one of the changing rooms and cried for 10 mins. He actually turned his phone off, wow I felt like shit being scraped of someone's shoe. Was I that much of a burden? Was I such an annoyance? Or would my phone call have inconvenienced Ms. So-fine (or the equivalent) I wonder?
If only you knew the truth.
What?
"Dissembler of virtue".. an interesting phrase, one that keeps ringing in my head, over and over.. and I can't make it stop.
Am I letting my desire to be with someone so seemingly perfect cloud my sense of dignity and self respect? It has become apparent to me that this has been the case. I don't trust him, but I desire him.. and it seems that I have been trying to convince myself that desire is a good enough reason to stick with him, undignifiedly so. How weak of me.
A truly good person would have taken my hands and helped me up off my knees as I begged for forgiveness kneeling in front of them and embraced me in acceptance and forgiveness. He, on the other hand, effectively kicked me in the teeth while I was down, deafening himself to my desperate pleas, shoving "my own medicine" ruthlessly down my gullet at every opportunity, smirking in satisfaction as he watched me suffer, displaying unbelievable arrogance.
Stop acting like you *did* these things, you simply "typed" these things, just as you type many other things that end up contradicting your actions. If you did these things in person, I would make you my queen. I watched you closely when you came to visit me, the word "sorry" barely came out of your mouth a couple times, and was no where near the sincerity you portrayed in emails.
Omg, I cannot believe you are saying this.. I am speechless, I don't even know what to say to this..
That is not love, not even close.. the only person he loves is himself and his dick. Such behaviour does not even come into the scope of "love". A good person would not even do that to his worst enemy, let alone someone he loves. One characteristic of a good person is that they don't make a person feel bad when that person has expressed genuine remorse. What is more unbelievable is that he actually made me believe all this time that the reason he was leaving me was because of my evil wicked acts, when in fact his dick had sniffed out new pussy and I was old news.
I wish I had new pussy right now.. however, I am buried in work, debt, and ailing family. I don't tell you my personal problems.. I wish I could. I can't even afford 2 minutes to think about 'pussy', let alone have one. Believe it or not, you are the only pussy my dick "sniffed out".
You wish you had new pussy.. I rest my case..
Yes, I did wrong, but it was all unconscious, out of naivity, out of stupidity, out of being a plain old lawda, out of inexperience, out of immaturity. I feel like he has done to me 10 times worse than I have done to him, and he is still not satisfied. I genuinely did not mean to hurt him, I no longer care if he believes that or not, but he intentionally set out to hurt me through cunning and malice, I now realise it. That is not the type of person I want to be with. He is not so perfect afterall..
I will always always love the person that I thought he was.. I no longer love the person that he has become - and that is not easy for me to say. It's time to move on, I've been punished enough, I have been to hell and back the past few months, and I am emotionally so so drained.. I just want to rest. I just want to go somewhere far away and forget this shitty lonely unfair life.
The delusion was good while it lasted. You really had me, you got me good. You had some fun with this I'm sure.. but I genuinely fell for you, really bad. Wow, 6 whole years in blissful ignorance.. it's true what people say about me, I really am a lawda.
Not 6 years. Barely 3 years.. 2 of which in person.. and 1 of which was "e-marriage" that was based on us ending it and you leaving for Dubai when your time came. I'm sure you had fun as well. Thank you for some of the best memories of my life, I will always cherish them.
I wish you happiness in your life, go be with the person you are really pining for. I'm sure that she is a "really really" girly girl with flawless fair skin, gorgeous hair and boobs bigger than 2 inches. You are free from my shackles. Go be happy now.
I recall the 2-inches remark-- It was in response to you calling me ugly for 15 minutes straight in every way possible, so cold and derogatory, then walking out with a strange emotional tantrum.
Are you out of your mind? You really think that I find you unattractive? It was a JOKE, I actually remember the tone in which I was saying it to you - very humourously. It was an OBVIOUS joke. This is how you turn things back onto me, very clever you are.
Just 1 day ago, you claimed so much love for me, and then the next day you text me that you don't and cannot. Love doesn't just "come and go", no matter how much I hated your demeanor at times, I couldn't even force myself to tell you "I don't love you". When I did not like what you had become, I just simply ignored you, hoping the best for you.
I was careful not to say that I did not love YOU anymore, only that I didn't love who you had become. I will always be madly in love with the M I fell for.. if you are still him then ofcourse I love you, always will. The person you have become bears no resemblance to my M, and that person I cannot love, because there is nothing to love about him.
I have and always will love you, and if it was never apparent to you, then you are the most horrible person, a user and abuser. I am shocked that you think the past 2 years have been nothing but an experiment..
I didn't say the past 2 years - I said the poem was an experiment, which it was. You sent that poem to her first and then me. Clearly it was intended for her, and then passed on to me to tease me.
if you could not see the sincerity in my actions and eyes, then you are an insensitive animal. Don't you dare tell me I don't know the meaning of love.. You asked me for another chance, you repeatedly told me I did not have to do anything, not even an ounce of effort, but sit and watch you show me love you did not before and watch you go the extra mile you never went before.. and that is what I did and was doing, watching, thinking, and slowly allowing myself to grow onto you again.. but this was the result. Another contradiction: you expected me to be the same instantly and forgot what you asked for.
I am just human, it hurts me when you treat me the way you do. It's extremely difficult for me. Barely a night has gone by, in the past 5 months, that I haven't cried myself to sleep, except for the ones I spent with you. I am constantly on the look out for opportunities to end my life "naturally". That is not normal, not characteristic of someone who is enjoying life.
A good person would not put me through that. A good person would not subject me to such mean toturous "tests".
I wish you happiness as well, and hope that you find that "pious genuine honest guy". I wonder who that guy is that is giving you such strength to render me as something beyond my imagination..
I don't want a pious genuine honest guy.. I just want you, the way you used to be..
Panic shot through me. I stared at the bathroom where he was getting ready. What was I doing here? Thousands of miles away from home, from my family who had 100% trust in me, my family who I had deceived to be here, with a guy who I was learning I knew less and less about, doing things with him.. my heart started beating faster as I began to panic. He seemed so distant to me at that moment.. who was he? What did he want from me? Was I just another "chick" ? A huge lump developed in my throat as I sat in front of the laptop trying to catch my breath. He came in and said something to me - I could hardly take in what he was saying.. something about taking care of one's appearance.. I don't remember, because I was not listening, I could not concentrate. I just stared at him, as he spoke, trying to figure him out. "Who the hell are you?" I remember screaming at him inside my head, "what have you done this to me?". He spoke and I nodded and smiled.. inside I was slowly dying.
Suddenly I wasn't looking forward to the day ahead anymore, I just wanted to run out of there and get on the first plane back home.. I was with a stranger. The feeling was surreal, I had never viewed him as a stranger before, but at that moment I just could not figure out who he was. But I stayed.. tried to reassure myself that this was just a big misunderstanding, and that I couldn't possibly be so naive that I would be taken for a fool this way. I composed myself, brushed all my doubts under the carpet and told myself to relax. I mentally rejected all the doubts that were brewing inside of me and convinced myself that there had been some gross misunderstanding.. I allowed myself to warm to him again.. we went on to have a great day. I had suppressed my emotions well - sure the thoughts would re-emerge at unexpected times throughout the day, but I did not allow my mind to let them flourish. I knew that it would be wrong to let my emotions hijack me on this trip that I had wished for so hard during the 3 months prior.. at least not without investigation.
And investigation I did.. as soon as I got back to London. But he was smart. He played the "admit before you get blamed" trick -- in my e-mail was a message from him informing me that they had been in contact, portraying it light-hearted and jokingly, "your rival is back".. very clever indeed - I mean, if he sets the tone as a joke, with any luck I too would reply with el-oh-el's, right? Wrong. Unluckily, I failed to see the funny side of it. It hurt even more that he thought I was THAT stupid and naive and malleable that I would actually laugh along with him like some dumb bimbo. He tends to forget that I am smarter than him at times. I certainly wasn't laughing..
Confronted with my unexpectedly negative response, he exhibited defensive anger - anger that his attempts to direct my response didn't work out as planned. I asked him to send me their dialogue if there was nothing to hide. He plainly objected.. 1-up for me. Why would you refuse to show something to someone you claim to love, something you know would mean a lot to that person, unless you had something to hide? "Ask her to show you" he replies, knowing that I would never ask her. Very clever - if he's asking me to ask her to show me then it must mean that he's got nothing to hide, right? Wrong. It means that he thinks I'm a dumb bimbo.
I never did ask her.. in fact, I told her that she must have got her wires crossed, that he would never do such a thing.
Lier. You embarrassed yourself, and me by asking her if I was flirtatious and what I said to her. She forwarded me your email, and with it put me down by stating that the person I claim to be my best friend cannot trust me.
I would have embarrassed myself if I hadn't asked. Not asking would have made me look naive, and without dignity and self respect. Anyone would have asked, it's not about trust. I asked it knowing that one of two outcomes would occur;
1) She would be proved wrong and made to look a fool for even confronting me about it, or
2) You would be found to be guilty, in which case I would no longer care how our relationship is portrayed.
Believe me, I thought long and hard about whether or not to ask her, and I still stick by my decision. I don't think it made us look bad at all, rather it made her look bad.
I didn't want her to know that our relationship was on the rocks. I didn't want her to think that our relationship was weak. I tried to make her jealous, by saying that we were perfect together and that things could not get any better. How pathetic of me. She was probably rolling around laughing at her computer screen reading my e-mail, maybe with him.. both pitying me. He told me that they were no longer in contact, yet a few weeks later he expressed that they had a conversation after the supposed 'last conversation' in which she expressed her vulgarity towards "farsi zubaans". I mean if you're going to lie at least remember what you lied about, right?
Soon you will feel very bad and quite pathetic once you read the emails I sent to Sofia. But it will be too late-- you took a mere few words from a stranger without evidence, and used it to debase everything I stand for. The whole reason for not sharing, was to see your response, and test your faith in me. Plus, you can never be satisfied with me forwarding you emails, as that would not eliminate doubt, due to the possibility of me editing them.
I don't need to see the content of the e-mails. The very fact that you e-mailed her so soon after we broke up is an action that is worth more than words to me. I just can't see past this.. and I can't understand your explanation for it.
I have come across genuine honest pious people before. He is not that type of guy.
You wrote this statement a few weeks ago, it was in the draft folder here. Then a few days ago you email me saying I am the "most amazing person you know". I ignored the latter, knowing that it's false. You throw out emotions that clash and do not withstand time. Fake.
You portray clashing personalities, I just don't know what to think of you anymore. You are like two different people, hot and cold all the time.. which is why I and deeply in love with you one day and the next day I hate you. It's not me being fake, it's you being inconsistant.
His philosophy is "what they don't know won't hurt them". This coupled with his more than average interest in women and sex, there was no doubt that he was capable of (at least) thinking of multiple relations at one time. Note, one must distinguish capable from the actual -- I had no proof that he was doing anything unlawful, but I knew that he had the type of conscious that would not stand as an obstacle for him doing such. The fact that he had contacted her so soon after our break up confirmed this. Guilt was no deterrent. He is not a God-fearing person either, so there was no comfort for me there either. The fear I had had about him almost from day one was now becoming a stark possibility. I never trusted him 100%, from the moment I met him, but I wanted to be with him and I forced myself to overlook the worrying reality.
The interesting thing is that I had predicted it - and now it was being confirmed to me. During those months when he had left me I actually knew that he would get in contact with her, every bone in my body was screaming it to me.. and that was probably one of the most difficult things about the break-up for me - the fear that I was being dumped for a prettier, smarter, more interesting girl. Adding to the anxiety was that fact that she was the only girl in the world that I have ever been jealous of. I'm not a naturally jealous or possessive person, but of her I was jealous.. ever since our time on the forums together. I mean she has everything that I don't have, and more.. including my husband now it seems. She is super-intelligent, philosophical, wrote amazingly, was pretty, religious, pure, a good girl.. I am used, easy, lazy, unintelligent, a failure, ugly. I even remember he used to say that he had a thing for female lawyers in their attire. I used to fool myself and make myself believe that he had "chosen me" over her. I used to fantasise about all the things I had above her, and when I couldn't think of anything I would ask him "why did you choose me over her?" and he would always reply with "I don't know, you're sweet I guess". Bullshit. The first (and only) poem he had once written and sent me, titled "Oh daughter of adam" (or something), I remember reading it 20 times a day for one year straight. I had printed it out and had kept it in my wallet, I would even boast about it to my friends. Later I discovered he had sent the exact same poem to her before me. I was just an experiment, to see how I'd react to it, to give him a kick, a laugh.. it was actually meant for her. How embarrassing to think that I actually thought I was first choice, when in fact I was just second best.. how utterly embarrassing..
Did you already forget the dozens of notes and little rhymes I would write for you in person, suprising you at the door and on your desktop?
Rhymes and poems are not the same, they are two very different things. Rhymes can be written in 5 minutes, poems cannot.
It's probably why he feels so "depressed" about me sending him birthday gifts.. I mean why would anyone feel "deeply saddened" about receiving gifts from a loved one on their birthday?? Unless ofcourse he was feeling guilty about something.. had his conscience caught up with him? Should I be glad that he at least has a conscience? This is slightly reminiscent of the times when he would express with me his "sadness" at Mina sending him gifts. And that also explains the ignoring - he hopes that if he ignores me for long enough that I will just leave him, because he hasn't got the balls to tell me that he has found someone else, JUST LIKE he did to Mina. Wow, the realisation that I am suddenly another Mina.. wowww.
I should be asking you-- the one who cries whenever I give her something, and yells and claims to be extremely saddened to receive a gift from me, and then admits that she is inadequate. I always wondered why you wouldn't get happy. Last time I tried giving you a gift, you looked at it in disgust and said it was an ugly bracelet and you would never put it on your arm, and scolded me for buying it. I will never forget that, it really hurt-- if it was any other guy or girl that gave you something, you would kiss their feet and smile. Check drm.drs@hotmail.com about how I cherished your gifts.
I don't like how you do that - you turn it back around onto me when you feel threatened by an accusation that I make about you. When I get upset about you giving me gifts its because I know you don't have the money to buy me such gifts. I'm just the type of person who doesn't like to recieve gifts from anyone, not just you. I prefer giving. I can't believe you took that bracelet thing seriously. Ofcourse it was not an ugly bracelet, any sane girl would love it. I was annoyed because you spent money that you don't have, and I specifically warned you not to. How could I possibly feel good about it knowing that you're spending money that you could be using to buy food or pay bills, etc. Hence the reason I left you that money.
And to top it all off (this actually had me speechless and barely mobile for 30 mins straight), I had texted him that I'd call him on his birthday to speak to him. I even gave a specific time that I'd call. I woke up an hour earlier that morning, excited as fuck, to get to my work location an hour early so that I could call him before I started work. I ran out of the train station and frantically dialed his number, barely able to because of sheer excitement.. but I got greeted by his voicemail. I walked into a shop, locked myself in one of the changing rooms and cried for 10 mins. He actually turned his phone off, wow I felt like shit being scraped of someone's shoe. Was I that much of a burden? Was I such an annoyance? Or would my phone call have inconvenienced Ms. So-fine (or the equivalent) I wonder?
If only you knew the truth.
What?
"Dissembler of virtue".. an interesting phrase, one that keeps ringing in my head, over and over.. and I can't make it stop.
Am I letting my desire to be with someone so seemingly perfect cloud my sense of dignity and self respect? It has become apparent to me that this has been the case. I don't trust him, but I desire him.. and it seems that I have been trying to convince myself that desire is a good enough reason to stick with him, undignifiedly so. How weak of me.
A truly good person would have taken my hands and helped me up off my knees as I begged for forgiveness kneeling in front of them and embraced me in acceptance and forgiveness. He, on the other hand, effectively kicked me in the teeth while I was down, deafening himself to my desperate pleas, shoving "my own medicine" ruthlessly down my gullet at every opportunity, smirking in satisfaction as he watched me suffer, displaying unbelievable arrogance.
Stop acting like you *did* these things, you simply "typed" these things, just as you type many other things that end up contradicting your actions. If you did these things in person, I would make you my queen. I watched you closely when you came to visit me, the word "sorry" barely came out of your mouth a couple times, and was no where near the sincerity you portrayed in emails.
Omg, I cannot believe you are saying this.. I am speechless, I don't even know what to say to this..
That is not love, not even close.. the only person he loves is himself and his dick. Such behaviour does not even come into the scope of "love". A good person would not even do that to his worst enemy, let alone someone he loves. One characteristic of a good person is that they don't make a person feel bad when that person has expressed genuine remorse. What is more unbelievable is that he actually made me believe all this time that the reason he was leaving me was because of my evil wicked acts, when in fact his dick had sniffed out new pussy and I was old news.
I wish I had new pussy right now.. however, I am buried in work, debt, and ailing family. I don't tell you my personal problems.. I wish I could. I can't even afford 2 minutes to think about 'pussy', let alone have one. Believe it or not, you are the only pussy my dick "sniffed out".
You wish you had new pussy.. I rest my case..
Yes, I did wrong, but it was all unconscious, out of naivity, out of stupidity, out of being a plain old lawda, out of inexperience, out of immaturity. I feel like he has done to me 10 times worse than I have done to him, and he is still not satisfied. I genuinely did not mean to hurt him, I no longer care if he believes that or not, but he intentionally set out to hurt me through cunning and malice, I now realise it. That is not the type of person I want to be with. He is not so perfect afterall..
I will always always love the person that I thought he was.. I no longer love the person that he has become - and that is not easy for me to say. It's time to move on, I've been punished enough, I have been to hell and back the past few months, and I am emotionally so so drained.. I just want to rest. I just want to go somewhere far away and forget this shitty lonely unfair life.
The delusion was good while it lasted. You really had me, you got me good. You had some fun with this I'm sure.. but I genuinely fell for you, really bad. Wow, 6 whole years in blissful ignorance.. it's true what people say about me, I really am a lawda.
Not 6 years. Barely 3 years.. 2 of which in person.. and 1 of which was "e-marriage" that was based on us ending it and you leaving for Dubai when your time came. I'm sure you had fun as well. Thank you for some of the best memories of my life, I will always cherish them.
I wish you happiness in your life, go be with the person you are really pining for. I'm sure that she is a "really really" girly girl with flawless fair skin, gorgeous hair and boobs bigger than 2 inches. You are free from my shackles. Go be happy now.
I recall the 2-inches remark-- It was in response to you calling me ugly for 15 minutes straight in every way possible, so cold and derogatory, then walking out with a strange emotional tantrum.
Are you out of your mind? You really think that I find you unattractive? It was a JOKE, I actually remember the tone in which I was saying it to you - very humourously. It was an OBVIOUS joke. This is how you turn things back onto me, very clever you are.
Just 1 day ago, you claimed so much love for me, and then the next day you text me that you don't and cannot. Love doesn't just "come and go", no matter how much I hated your demeanor at times, I couldn't even force myself to tell you "I don't love you". When I did not like what you had become, I just simply ignored you, hoping the best for you.
I was careful not to say that I did not love YOU anymore, only that I didn't love who you had become. I will always be madly in love with the M I fell for.. if you are still him then ofcourse I love you, always will. The person you have become bears no resemblance to my M, and that person I cannot love, because there is nothing to love about him.
I have and always will love you, and if it was never apparent to you, then you are the most horrible person, a user and abuser. I am shocked that you think the past 2 years have been nothing but an experiment..
I didn't say the past 2 years - I said the poem was an experiment, which it was. You sent that poem to her first and then me. Clearly it was intended for her, and then passed on to me to tease me.
if you could not see the sincerity in my actions and eyes, then you are an insensitive animal. Don't you dare tell me I don't know the meaning of love.. You asked me for another chance, you repeatedly told me I did not have to do anything, not even an ounce of effort, but sit and watch you show me love you did not before and watch you go the extra mile you never went before.. and that is what I did and was doing, watching, thinking, and slowly allowing myself to grow onto you again.. but this was the result. Another contradiction: you expected me to be the same instantly and forgot what you asked for.
I am just human, it hurts me when you treat me the way you do. It's extremely difficult for me. Barely a night has gone by, in the past 5 months, that I haven't cried myself to sleep, except for the ones I spent with you. I am constantly on the look out for opportunities to end my life "naturally". That is not normal, not characteristic of someone who is enjoying life.
A good person would not put me through that. A good person would not subject me to such mean toturous "tests".
I wish you happiness as well, and hope that you find that "pious genuine honest guy". I wonder who that guy is that is giving you such strength to render me as something beyond my imagination..
I don't want a pious genuine honest guy.. I just want you, the way you used to be..
Sunday, 28 June 2009
Day 2
Even though I hadn't slept in 3 nights, I found it unusually difficult to sleep that night. I kept waking up wondering what time it was. Perhaps it was the jet lag, but I believe it was the excitement of the day to come that would not let me rest. At one point I woke up feeling like I had slept a whole 6 hours, whereas in fact I had only slept 2 hours. I remember trying to get back to sleep wishing the morning to come quicker so that I could share conscious time with my man, who lay beside me, blissfully in another world.
Failing to fall asleep, I watched my husband as he slept more than soundly lol. I wondered where he was at that moment, was he dreaming? Jaaaaaaaaaaaan, my hunky man sprawled out across the bed, hair all messy, mouth open, roaring with each breath. It was the most ADORABLE sight!! A real kodak moment, I wished I had a camera. I watched him like this for about 10 minutes, huge grin on my face, feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, feeling like I had the world in my palms. At that moment I knew I wanted to wake up to him every single day of my life. He truly was the one for me, I could love no other the way I love him. The snoring - I didn't mind it at all, in fact I loved it - his heavenly sounds ringing in my ears even as he slept, what more could I ask for? I sighed "jaaaan" with each snore and kissed his perfectly formed hand. I'm a sucker for his hands, I think I told him like a gazillion times on this trip. I would die for his hands alone.
A few hours later I woke up again, still earlier than I wanted to wake up. This time I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep again. It was too early to wake my baby aswell, and he seemed like he was enjoying himself, akhhh. So I wandered around the apartment aimlessly. I imagined it being our own flat.. I lay on the sofa and fantasised about our future. We would intially live in a small apartment (cute, modern and clean) while we finished up our studies and got ourselves settled into married life. We'd have a nice mustang, maybe 2, one for each of us. And then when we became ready to start a family we'd get a bigger place, as nice as money could afford. We'd get a bigger family car to fit in all our 10 kids. I thought about our children.. how lucky they'd be to be born into our family, to have a physical part of M inherent in them. We'd live so happily, as the perfect American family. Every day a new adventure, every second full of love. And M would be the perfect father, I just know it. I don't want kids without him, I don't want to be happy without him. If there is no M, there is no happiness. He is my life.
I eventually managed to drag myself away from my fantasies.. I thought I'd make some breakfast to save time and money, even though I was feeling some iHop! I went to explore the fridge. I must admit, I dreaded what I thought I'd find from a bunch of young guys - mouldy food, old take-aways, dead mice lol. But to my surprise the fridge was looking rather green - fruits and vegetables in every corner. I suspected that most of that was down to my health-freak baby. I found some eggs, cool! I thought I'd make some scrambled eggs for my sleeping beauty. I found some onions, a tomato, spinach, and omg even broccoli!!! The guys had impressed me.. I actually had everything I needed to make a decent breakfast! I also noticed a lot of fruit, so decided to make a fruit salad as well- apple, banana, peach, mango and blueberries (which belonged to one of their guest, which we forgot to replace btw!!)
It took about an hour to cook breakfast. I really really enjoyed it -- I allowed myself to believe that I had fast-forwarded to the future to a time when this bliss would be every single day. I so badly want that - to serve him every single day of my life, and in turn I would be happy knowing that I am making his life easier in some way. May God transfer all his discomfort, misfortune, illness and stress to me. If my baby is happy, I too am happy.
I went to wake up my sleeping beauty. I paused at the bedroom door for a moment and giggled to myself at the most adorable sight I've even seen - the way he was lying on the bed, like a big baby LOLLLLLL jaaaaaaaan akhhhhhh.. my mouth waters at the thought of it! I went and kissed his sweet lips until be opened his gorgeous eyes.. I melted at the sight of them.. I shook him awake, much to his annoyance lol, and announced breakfast in bed! "Babyyy, it's too early, I want to sleep" he cries. Not exactly the response I was hoping for, but I persisted and managed to drag him out of bed. We set up breakfast at the sofa. He was so cute in his pyjamas, hair all messy, half asleep, complaining that he couldn't eat so early in the morning lol, jaan jaan.. He is the most adorable in the mornings. He forced a few mouthfulls for me, and did indeed compliment the eggs, although not so convincingly lol, and enquired about what ingredients I had used.
We finished breakfast, made love, showered and then got ready. We had a long journey ahead of us - we planned to go to San Diego zoo. As part of "project MJ" I would make the effort to put some make-up on today. Days before, I had gone shopping and bought some make-up basics - mascara, eye-liner, blusher, lipstick. I began the apply them, for the first time ever, convinced I would end up looking like a clown in the end.. but it turned out ok. I hadn't messed up I guess, but I couldn't tell if it was a change for the better or worse.. to me, I just looked different. M complimented me, told me I looked nice, but I had a feeling he wasn't entirely feeling it.
We then made our way to San Diego. The road trip was around two hours, but it was almost as fun as the zoo itself. We just talked about stuff.. school, academic plans, family, everything really. He told me about his plans to spend a year or two writing, working and doing his own thing.. it was a welcomed revelation for me. I really think it would do him good to just go at his own pace for a year. He is a really hard worker, but sometimes I feel that he is under a lot of stress. He's always busy doing multiple things at once - I admire that about him the most. He's so motivated and driven, and it has all paid off for him. But I do want him to take some chill-time though, and do the things he has been wanting to do. I likey a lot :)
"Day and night.. da da da da da da.." LOL, I think this song became the soundtrack of our trip. We had first heard it on the radio on the way to San Diego, and it stuck with us throughout the rest of the trip. We would just randomly bust it out everywhere, neither of us knowing the lyrics beyond that one line of the song lolll. Akhhhhhh my baby was sooo cute when he would sing it! There was another one that he would occasionally bust out as well, I'll never forget the way he would do this one; "Hey girrrrrl, you're looking kinda cute in that polka-dot bikini girrrrrl" LOLLLL jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!! Soooooo damn desirable!!
We stopped at a hill top on the way, a beautiful view of the ocean before us. But my baby was more amused with the lil creatures running around us.. I call them creatures because I don't quite know what they were - they looked more like squirrels than anything else, but they were not quite squirrels. We took some pictures of each other, M deleting almost every single one that he was in because he thought he looked "ugly".. like seriously dude? *sighh* Armani models are better when they're modest anyway.. We got back into the car and shared a sweet kiss before we got back onto the road.
We arrived at the zoo. I had to change my footwear as my high-heeled whore-shoes (lol) were inappropriate for walking (and thank God I did). We walked hand in hand, and did that throughout the whole day.. I love that, and it's one of the things that I miss the most about being apart from him. We first saw the monkeys - chimps, orangutans, gorillas, lemurs.. M said that he could see how Darwin came up with his theory of evolution. It's true, they were so human in so many ways. One of the orangutans had us cracking up - he was just rolling around everywhere lol. They were so amazing to watch, we really had to drag ourselves away from them to see the rest of the animals.
It was here that I had my first experience of a" churro" lol. A funny little concept - almost like a long-shaped donut covered in sugar. I remember I wasn't too keen on trying it when M first bought it, but I thought I would anyway.. and boy am I glad I did! DIVIIINE! It tasted a lot better than it looked. I'm craving it right now! Really really delicious. I guess never judge a book by the cover. But yeah, I noticed Americans have some pretty funny food ideas lol.. their foods are as animated as their people.
We went on to see various other wonders of the animal world - birds, hippos, deers, zebras, snakes, crocs. We came across some blind naked mole rats.. very very interesting animals indeed. They were housed in clear plastic tubes filled with wood shavings. We could see how they constructed their extensive underground tunnel systems. Even more interesting was how they designated chambers between the tunnels for specific functions - e.g. for sleeping, waste, food collection. I watched in awe, wondering how these blind moles communicate with each other to make it mutually known what each chamber is designated for. I so wanted access to google at that moment! (I will post the answer in a later blog post).
M wanted to pet some animals lol, so we went to pet some goats. I wasn't feeling it so much, but my baby was in his element, like a kid in a candy store lol. He loves animals, he has expressed to me many times. I can anticipate future arguments when we're living together - he wanting a pet, me objecting to it. I mean I wouldn't mind a pet, if they didn't poo and wee lol. We'll see. We joked that we should start petting the kids there and that if their parents should tell us off, we would tell them that it was, after all, a "petting paddock" AHAHAHAHA. My baby liked that one. I love to see him laugh, it's like someone handing me a bag full of diamonds. I live for his laugh, it is the most beautiful sound I've heard, and I crave it on a daily basis.
While looking at the insects, it was here that I came up with my grand theory.. I thought of the structure of the leaf insect and that of an actual leaf - identical, down to the veins. How could such a far-fetched convergent evolution event have occurred between the two? I mean how many "random" mutations would have had to have occurred to turn an insect into one that looked exactly like a leaf? What are the chances that all of these mutations would have happened in sync to produce a structure that already exists in the plant kingdom? Therefore the mutations cannot be random.. I would have to spend some time refining this theory, and perhaps I'll pose it to Professor "Dawkins" himself. Who knows, I may even hold the key to unlocking the grand question - does God exist? (again, I shall make a more elaborate future blog post).
The zoo was closing and we were being kicked out. We hadn't seen all the animals yet, the best were still to be seen - elephants, giraffes, lions and tigers. We decided we'd see the lions and tigers, at least, on the way out. We made out way to the tiger cage. We waited and waited, but no tigers in sight. I thought we'd leave disappointed. We started towards the exit, when M spotted a tiger pacing back and forth behind a wall initially blocking our view. It was pacing as if it were fed up with humans pointing and gawking at it all day. It seemed really pissed off lol. Relief at having seen a tiger, I was satisfied that we had seen a good set of animals.
On the way out we were stopped by a guy peaking through a hole of a cover that had been drawn over the lion cage. An interesting character, he was convinced that he had locked eyes with the lion and was challenging its authority LOLLL. He held open the hole for me and invited me to look at the lion. Unfortunately I couldn't see it. But I lied and told him that I could, "oh yeah, wow" I comforted. He seemed really excited about it, and I didn't want to burst his bubble. He was nice enough to hold the hole open for me, I guess I didn't want to disappoint him. We continued down the path, he stayed to brag to the other visitors lol. We met him again further down the path, where he stopped to tell us his courageous tale again. Me and M joked that he would sit his grandchildren down one day and tell them of the day he fearlessly looked into the eyes of a lion lol. M became increasingly annoyed by him (or uneasy) and decided to change direction to get away from him, loll which I found quite funny and cute.
Before we left the zoo we got some souvenirs from the souvenir shop in memory of this most splendid day. It really was a lovely outing, perfect in every way, every moment of it. We got badges with a picture of a monkey and "San Diego zoo" on it. I shall cherish it forever, for it was indeed one of the best days of my life. And the day hadn't even ended yet!
On the way out of the car park we saw a man walking towards our car. Upon closer inspection, we noticed he was wearing a white uniform, with a crazed murderer-like look on his face, as if we had his child. His eyes were locked onto our car, fierce and evil, as he stormed towards us. We both got scared and drove off asap lol, and had a little giggle as well at it lol. I was feeling really sleepy and put my head on M's lap most of the way home, while he was driving! - a strange arrangement lol, but damn was it comfortable. I can't think of a better place to sleep. It was possibly the sweetest hour of sleep I've ever had.
We stopped at a place called "Ocean View" (I think) for dinner. M mentioned that his family lived there while they were staying in San Diego, so it was exciting for me to see the place. We became excited at spotting a fun fair by the sea. My baby's eyes lit up at the sight of it. We got out and almost skipped towards the fair. It was like a scene out of a 60's teen movie.. it was soooo surreal. I actually felt like I was in a movie. We were Sandy and Danny from Grease!! Omg I couldn't believe how movie-like it was.
We bought some tickets and chose our first ride. It was a big disc-shaped spinning machine. We stepped inside and stood in the middle holding onto the bars in the centre. More people came in after us and proceeded to stand upright against the sides. We realised that we had got it wrong and did the same as them (good thing we did lol, otherwise we would have exited as pancakes!)). I was weary that there were no safety belts, and thought that this might be a dodgy ride, but it was too late.. The ride started and we found ourselves glued to the walls by the action of various forces. A clever concept, I thought, taking advantage of the science of physics. We spun around for a few minutes. I noticed M found it rather amusing, lol jaaan. I did too, it surprised me, I must admit. We stumbled out of the ride, and still not satisfied, we picked our next ride, unknowingly to our demise lol.
This next ride was a number of double seated carriages arranged in a circle that spun around fast high in the air. We took our seats, me on the edge and M on the inside (nobody warned us that it should have been the other way around!!) The ride started and we giggled with excitement between each other, kissing in mid-air. Gradually it got faster and faster, and higher and higher. My baby was screaming uncontrollably.. I was not screaming as much lol, instead laughing like crazy. I was in pain -- outwardly forces meant that my baby was being pushed to the outside, into me lol. Now my baby is not a small guy lol, he has quite some mass on him lol.. I remember being in some pain, but I was laughing so hard that it didn't bother me that my ribs were cracking one by one lol. My poor baby sensed my pain and tried to pull himself against the force to ease some of his weight off me, but failed miserably loll. We stepped off the ride laughing hysterically and ready to throw up lol. We decided to take some time-out from the rides to recover and took a stroll down the beach.
Hand in hand, bonfires flickering, stars twinkling above us, it was rather romantic. He took me to some rocks by the water, said it was his favourite spot for contemplation. We sat there, arms around each other, submissively in awe at the monster in front of us - the great sea; frighteningly hypnotic, yet beautifully magnificent. We marvelled at its vastness and allowed our minds to be taken away in contemplation. Mine was led to a place of deep gratitude - here I was in the arms of the most amazing guy on Earth, the guy I had battled for tirelessly for the past 4 months, the guy I could not bear to live without.. the guy who I had hurt so badly.. I sobbed at the thought of this. I didn't mean to hurt him, I swear I didn't.. yet this stupid mistake cost me so much. I didn't want him to know I was crying, but he sensed it, and licked away my tears (lol jaan). This made me cry more. He suggested that we leave - I couldn't tell if it was to make me feel better or if it was out of annoyance of my crying..
We made our way back up out of the beach, as I took an unfeminine tumble in my haste. We still had some tickets left for the fun fair and thought that we might as well use it on one last ride. We chose one that looked like a bunch of bowls spinning in a circle, while it went around a circular path. It got faster as the ride went on, and the shrieks of the guy behind us got increasingly louder and more annoying lol. I found the ride rather enjoyable and quite relaxing, and funny as we laughed at the wimp behind us. Now this ride seemed to go on forever, it really did last longer than it was supposed to.. even the guy behind us fell silent as he ran out of voice to shriek anymore. I glanced towards the controller, he was grinning like a crazed madman. At that moment genuine fear shot through me. "This guy is some sick twisted psycho", I thought, "he's going to kill us". Every time I thought "it's going to slow down noww" it would just get faster. I could even hear some of the other passengers crying "when is it going to stop?" When it finally did stop (to my relief) I found myself thanking God for my life as I stepped off lol.
We were quite hungry by now and went in searched of food. We stopped at a cute little Italian place, not so far from the beach. We walked in and appeared to be the only customers. We were welcomed by a smiling, singing circle of staff with one playing the guitar. I quite liked it, and was disappointed when the guitarist stopped playing.. it was rather romantic. I was starving at this point, my mouth watering as I read the menu. I opted for a lasagne, while M chose the pasta. The food was quite nice, satisfying. We ordered some dessert - tiramisu.. my baby's choice. Our waiter (the owner) kindly offered a pot of tea after learning of our nationality. He turned out to be Iranian! I immediately disliked him, but his charm and seeming generosity allowed me to warm to him almost instantly after immediately disliking him (LOL! I think M may have a point when he tells me I have bipolar lol). He chatted to us for a long while.. my baby was in his element - he spoke intelligently with perfect farsi. At that moment I thought, wow look at my husband.. we were like a real couple, talking about adult things, with adults lol. I felt so proud, he was my man *sighhh*. He was so sexy.. This got me quite hny, and despite not having slept for an eternity, I still had enough energy for some love in the back of the mustang!
It was a long term fantasy for the both of us to do it somewhere other than the conventional. We drove to a quite, dark neighbourhood, parked up, and slipped to the back. Conscious that we'd almost certainly get busted, I was quite the party pooper, insisting it had to happen quick. But he gave it, and he gave it goooooood! One of the best feelings I have experienced.. it was totally a mini O, and would have been a full blown one if I had not hurried him so much. Short and sweet, so damn good!! I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did. We moved back up front after about 5 mins and I hurried him to step on the gas. I noticed the windows had steamed up inside, ahahaha HOTTT! An awesome ending to an awesome day, with my best friend :)
I love you Azizi *maach*.
Failing to fall asleep, I watched my husband as he slept more than soundly lol. I wondered where he was at that moment, was he dreaming? Jaaaaaaaaaaaan, my hunky man sprawled out across the bed, hair all messy, mouth open, roaring with each breath. It was the most ADORABLE sight!! A real kodak moment, I wished I had a camera. I watched him like this for about 10 minutes, huge grin on my face, feeling like the luckiest girl in the world, feeling like I had the world in my palms. At that moment I knew I wanted to wake up to him every single day of my life. He truly was the one for me, I could love no other the way I love him. The snoring - I didn't mind it at all, in fact I loved it - his heavenly sounds ringing in my ears even as he slept, what more could I ask for? I sighed "jaaaan" with each snore and kissed his perfectly formed hand. I'm a sucker for his hands, I think I told him like a gazillion times on this trip. I would die for his hands alone.
A few hours later I woke up again, still earlier than I wanted to wake up. This time I knew I wouldn't be able to fall back to sleep again. It was too early to wake my baby aswell, and he seemed like he was enjoying himself, akhhh. So I wandered around the apartment aimlessly. I imagined it being our own flat.. I lay on the sofa and fantasised about our future. We would intially live in a small apartment (cute, modern and clean) while we finished up our studies and got ourselves settled into married life. We'd have a nice mustang, maybe 2, one for each of us. And then when we became ready to start a family we'd get a bigger place, as nice as money could afford. We'd get a bigger family car to fit in all our 10 kids. I thought about our children.. how lucky they'd be to be born into our family, to have a physical part of M inherent in them. We'd live so happily, as the perfect American family. Every day a new adventure, every second full of love. And M would be the perfect father, I just know it. I don't want kids without him, I don't want to be happy without him. If there is no M, there is no happiness. He is my life.
I eventually managed to drag myself away from my fantasies.. I thought I'd make some breakfast to save time and money, even though I was feeling some iHop! I went to explore the fridge. I must admit, I dreaded what I thought I'd find from a bunch of young guys - mouldy food, old take-aways, dead mice lol. But to my surprise the fridge was looking rather green - fruits and vegetables in every corner. I suspected that most of that was down to my health-freak baby. I found some eggs, cool! I thought I'd make some scrambled eggs for my sleeping beauty. I found some onions, a tomato, spinach, and omg even broccoli!!! The guys had impressed me.. I actually had everything I needed to make a decent breakfast! I also noticed a lot of fruit, so decided to make a fruit salad as well- apple, banana, peach, mango and blueberries (which belonged to one of their guest, which we forgot to replace btw!!)
It took about an hour to cook breakfast. I really really enjoyed it -- I allowed myself to believe that I had fast-forwarded to the future to a time when this bliss would be every single day. I so badly want that - to serve him every single day of my life, and in turn I would be happy knowing that I am making his life easier in some way. May God transfer all his discomfort, misfortune, illness and stress to me. If my baby is happy, I too am happy.
I went to wake up my sleeping beauty. I paused at the bedroom door for a moment and giggled to myself at the most adorable sight I've even seen - the way he was lying on the bed, like a big baby LOLLLLLL jaaaaaaaan akhhhhhh.. my mouth waters at the thought of it! I went and kissed his sweet lips until be opened his gorgeous eyes.. I melted at the sight of them.. I shook him awake, much to his annoyance lol, and announced breakfast in bed! "Babyyy, it's too early, I want to sleep" he cries. Not exactly the response I was hoping for, but I persisted and managed to drag him out of bed. We set up breakfast at the sofa. He was so cute in his pyjamas, hair all messy, half asleep, complaining that he couldn't eat so early in the morning lol, jaan jaan.. He is the most adorable in the mornings. He forced a few mouthfulls for me, and did indeed compliment the eggs, although not so convincingly lol, and enquired about what ingredients I had used.
We finished breakfast, made love, showered and then got ready. We had a long journey ahead of us - we planned to go to San Diego zoo. As part of "project MJ" I would make the effort to put some make-up on today. Days before, I had gone shopping and bought some make-up basics - mascara, eye-liner, blusher, lipstick. I began the apply them, for the first time ever, convinced I would end up looking like a clown in the end.. but it turned out ok. I hadn't messed up I guess, but I couldn't tell if it was a change for the better or worse.. to me, I just looked different. M complimented me, told me I looked nice, but I had a feeling he wasn't entirely feeling it.
We then made our way to San Diego. The road trip was around two hours, but it was almost as fun as the zoo itself. We just talked about stuff.. school, academic plans, family, everything really. He told me about his plans to spend a year or two writing, working and doing his own thing.. it was a welcomed revelation for me. I really think it would do him good to just go at his own pace for a year. He is a really hard worker, but sometimes I feel that he is under a lot of stress. He's always busy doing multiple things at once - I admire that about him the most. He's so motivated and driven, and it has all paid off for him. But I do want him to take some chill-time though, and do the things he has been wanting to do. I likey a lot :)
"Day and night.. da da da da da da.." LOL, I think this song became the soundtrack of our trip. We had first heard it on the radio on the way to San Diego, and it stuck with us throughout the rest of the trip. We would just randomly bust it out everywhere, neither of us knowing the lyrics beyond that one line of the song lolll. Akhhhhhh my baby was sooo cute when he would sing it! There was another one that he would occasionally bust out as well, I'll never forget the way he would do this one; "Hey girrrrrl, you're looking kinda cute in that polka-dot bikini girrrrrl" LOLLLL jaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan!! Soooooo damn desirable!!
We stopped at a hill top on the way, a beautiful view of the ocean before us. But my baby was more amused with the lil creatures running around us.. I call them creatures because I don't quite know what they were - they looked more like squirrels than anything else, but they were not quite squirrels. We took some pictures of each other, M deleting almost every single one that he was in because he thought he looked "ugly".. like seriously dude? *sighh* Armani models are better when they're modest anyway.. We got back into the car and shared a sweet kiss before we got back onto the road.
We arrived at the zoo. I had to change my footwear as my high-heeled whore-shoes (lol) were inappropriate for walking (and thank God I did). We walked hand in hand, and did that throughout the whole day.. I love that, and it's one of the things that I miss the most about being apart from him. We first saw the monkeys - chimps, orangutans, gorillas, lemurs.. M said that he could see how Darwin came up with his theory of evolution. It's true, they were so human in so many ways. One of the orangutans had us cracking up - he was just rolling around everywhere lol. They were so amazing to watch, we really had to drag ourselves away from them to see the rest of the animals.
It was here that I had my first experience of a" churro" lol. A funny little concept - almost like a long-shaped donut covered in sugar. I remember I wasn't too keen on trying it when M first bought it, but I thought I would anyway.. and boy am I glad I did! DIVIIINE! It tasted a lot better than it looked. I'm craving it right now! Really really delicious. I guess never judge a book by the cover. But yeah, I noticed Americans have some pretty funny food ideas lol.. their foods are as animated as their people.
We went on to see various other wonders of the animal world - birds, hippos, deers, zebras, snakes, crocs. We came across some blind naked mole rats.. very very interesting animals indeed. They were housed in clear plastic tubes filled with wood shavings. We could see how they constructed their extensive underground tunnel systems. Even more interesting was how they designated chambers between the tunnels for specific functions - e.g. for sleeping, waste, food collection. I watched in awe, wondering how these blind moles communicate with each other to make it mutually known what each chamber is designated for. I so wanted access to google at that moment! (I will post the answer in a later blog post).M wanted to pet some animals lol, so we went to pet some goats. I wasn't feeling it so much, but my baby was in his element, like a kid in a candy store lol. He loves animals, he has expressed to me many times. I can anticipate future arguments when we're living together - he wanting a pet, me objecting to it. I mean I wouldn't mind a pet, if they didn't poo and wee lol. We'll see. We joked that we should start petting the kids there and that if their parents should tell us off, we would tell them that it was, after all, a "petting paddock" AHAHAHAHA. My baby liked that one. I love to see him laugh, it's like someone handing me a bag full of diamonds. I live for his laugh, it is the most beautiful sound I've heard, and I crave it on a daily basis.
While looking at the insects, it was here that I came up with my grand theory.. I thought of the structure of the leaf insect and that of an actual leaf - identical, down to the veins. How could such a far-fetched convergent evolution event have occurred between the two? I mean how many "random" mutations would have had to have occurred to turn an insect into one that looked exactly like a leaf? What are the chances that all of these mutations would have happened in sync to produce a structure that already exists in the plant kingdom? Therefore the mutations cannot be random.. I would have to spend some time refining this theory, and perhaps I'll pose it to Professor "Dawkins" himself. Who knows, I may even hold the key to unlocking the grand question - does God exist? (again, I shall make a more elaborate future blog post).The zoo was closing and we were being kicked out. We hadn't seen all the animals yet, the best were still to be seen - elephants, giraffes, lions and tigers. We decided we'd see the lions and tigers, at least, on the way out. We made out way to the tiger cage. We waited and waited, but no tigers in sight. I thought we'd leave disappointed. We started towards the exit, when M spotted a tiger pacing back and forth behind a wall initially blocking our view. It was pacing as if it were fed up with humans pointing and gawking at it all day. It seemed really pissed off lol. Relief at having seen a tiger, I was satisfied that we had seen a good set of animals.
On the way out we were stopped by a guy peaking through a hole of a cover that had been drawn over the lion cage. An interesting character, he was convinced that he had locked eyes with the lion and was challenging its authority LOLLL. He held open the hole for me and invited me to look at the lion. Unfortunately I couldn't see it. But I lied and told him that I could, "oh yeah, wow" I comforted. He seemed really excited about it, and I didn't want to burst his bubble. He was nice enough to hold the hole open for me, I guess I didn't want to disappoint him. We continued down the path, he stayed to brag to the other visitors lol. We met him again further down the path, where he stopped to tell us his courageous tale again. Me and M joked that he would sit his grandchildren down one day and tell them of the day he fearlessly looked into the eyes of a lion lol. M became increasingly annoyed by him (or uneasy) and decided to change direction to get away from him, loll which I found quite funny and cute.
Before we left the zoo we got some souvenirs from the souvenir shop in memory of this most splendid day. It really was a lovely outing, perfect in every way, every moment of it. We got badges with a picture of a monkey and "San Diego zoo" on it. I shall cherish it forever, for it was indeed one of the best days of my life. And the day hadn't even ended yet!
On the way out of the car park we saw a man walking towards our car. Upon closer inspection, we noticed he was wearing a white uniform, with a crazed murderer-like look on his face, as if we had his child. His eyes were locked onto our car, fierce and evil, as he stormed towards us. We both got scared and drove off asap lol, and had a little giggle as well at it lol. I was feeling really sleepy and put my head on M's lap most of the way home, while he was driving! - a strange arrangement lol, but damn was it comfortable. I can't think of a better place to sleep. It was possibly the sweetest hour of sleep I've ever had.
We stopped at a place called "Ocean View" (I think) for dinner. M mentioned that his family lived there while they were staying in San Diego, so it was exciting for me to see the place. We became excited at spotting a fun fair by the sea. My baby's eyes lit up at the sight of it. We got out and almost skipped towards the fair. It was like a scene out of a 60's teen movie.. it was soooo surreal. I actually felt like I was in a movie. We were Sandy and Danny from Grease!! Omg I couldn't believe how movie-like it was.We bought some tickets and chose our first ride. It was a big disc-shaped spinning machine. We stepped inside and stood in the middle holding onto the bars in the centre. More people came in after us and proceeded to stand upright against the sides. We realised that we had got it wrong and did the same as them (good thing we did lol, otherwise we would have exited as pancakes!)). I was weary that there were no safety belts, and thought that this might be a dodgy ride, but it was too late.. The ride started and we found ourselves glued to the walls by the action of various forces. A clever concept, I thought, taking advantage of the science of physics. We spun around for a few minutes. I noticed M found it rather amusing, lol jaaan. I did too, it surprised me, I must admit. We stumbled out of the ride, and still not satisfied, we picked our next ride, unknowingly to our demise lol.
This next ride was a number of double seated carriages arranged in a circle that spun around fast high in the air. We took our seats, me on the edge and M on the inside (nobody warned us that it should have been the other way around!!) The ride started and we giggled with excitement between each other, kissing in mid-air. Gradually it got faster and faster, and higher and higher. My baby was screaming uncontrollably.. I was not screaming as much lol, instead laughing like crazy. I was in pain -- outwardly forces meant that my baby was being pushed to the outside, into me lol. Now my baby is not a small guy lol, he has quite some mass on him lol.. I remember being in some pain, but I was laughing so hard that it didn't bother me that my ribs were cracking one by one lol. My poor baby sensed my pain and tried to pull himself against the force to ease some of his weight off me, but failed miserably loll. We stepped off the ride laughing hysterically and ready to throw up lol. We decided to take some time-out from the rides to recover and took a stroll down the beach.
Hand in hand, bonfires flickering, stars twinkling above us, it was rather romantic. He took me to some rocks by the water, said it was his favourite spot for contemplation. We sat there, arms around each other, submissively in awe at the monster in front of us - the great sea; frighteningly hypnotic, yet beautifully magnificent. We marvelled at its vastness and allowed our minds to be taken away in contemplation. Mine was led to a place of deep gratitude - here I was in the arms of the most amazing guy on Earth, the guy I had battled for tirelessly for the past 4 months, the guy I could not bear to live without.. the guy who I had hurt so badly.. I sobbed at the thought of this. I didn't mean to hurt him, I swear I didn't.. yet this stupid mistake cost me so much. I didn't want him to know I was crying, but he sensed it, and licked away my tears (lol jaan). This made me cry more. He suggested that we leave - I couldn't tell if it was to make me feel better or if it was out of annoyance of my crying..
We made our way back up out of the beach, as I took an unfeminine tumble in my haste. We still had some tickets left for the fun fair and thought that we might as well use it on one last ride. We chose one that looked like a bunch of bowls spinning in a circle, while it went around a circular path. It got faster as the ride went on, and the shrieks of the guy behind us got increasingly louder and more annoying lol. I found the ride rather enjoyable and quite relaxing, and funny as we laughed at the wimp behind us. Now this ride seemed to go on forever, it really did last longer than it was supposed to.. even the guy behind us fell silent as he ran out of voice to shriek anymore. I glanced towards the controller, he was grinning like a crazed madman. At that moment genuine fear shot through me. "This guy is some sick twisted psycho", I thought, "he's going to kill us". Every time I thought "it's going to slow down noww" it would just get faster. I could even hear some of the other passengers crying "when is it going to stop?" When it finally did stop (to my relief) I found myself thanking God for my life as I stepped off lol.
We were quite hungry by now and went in searched of food. We stopped at a cute little Italian place, not so far from the beach. We walked in and appeared to be the only customers. We were welcomed by a smiling, singing circle of staff with one playing the guitar. I quite liked it, and was disappointed when the guitarist stopped playing.. it was rather romantic. I was starving at this point, my mouth watering as I read the menu. I opted for a lasagne, while M chose the pasta. The food was quite nice, satisfying. We ordered some dessert - tiramisu.. my baby's choice. Our waiter (the owner) kindly offered a pot of tea after learning of our nationality. He turned out to be Iranian! I immediately disliked him, but his charm and seeming generosity allowed me to warm to him almost instantly after immediately disliking him (LOL! I think M may have a point when he tells me I have bipolar lol). He chatted to us for a long while.. my baby was in his element - he spoke intelligently with perfect farsi. At that moment I thought, wow look at my husband.. we were like a real couple, talking about adult things, with adults lol. I felt so proud, he was my man *sighhh*. He was so sexy.. This got me quite hny, and despite not having slept for an eternity, I still had enough energy for some love in the back of the mustang!
It was a long term fantasy for the both of us to do it somewhere other than the conventional. We drove to a quite, dark neighbourhood, parked up, and slipped to the back. Conscious that we'd almost certainly get busted, I was quite the party pooper, insisting it had to happen quick. But he gave it, and he gave it goooooood! One of the best feelings I have experienced.. it was totally a mini O, and would have been a full blown one if I had not hurried him so much. Short and sweet, so damn good!! I hope he enjoyed it as much as I did. We moved back up front after about 5 mins and I hurried him to step on the gas. I noticed the windows had steamed up inside, ahahaha HOTTT! An awesome ending to an awesome day, with my best friend :)I love you Azizi *maach*.
Wednesday, 24 June 2009
Day 1
I arrived in LA at about 2. Concious that he dislikes waiting, I ran from queue to queue. Waiting in line, I prayed.. repeating the only three surahs I knew, over and over - something against my logic, but strangely I felt I needed to, and it calmed me. I made it past customs, and with no baggage to pick up I went straight through security.. as I approached the exit I tried to compose myself, calm my nerves. I was excited, but not. Nervousness seemed to override the excitement I had felt before. Omg, what if was not there. What if he wouldn't show up. I mean this would be the ultimate revenge, why not, right? And having experienced his capability for ruthlessness, this thought lingered in the back of my mind as a real possibility.
I emerged from the exit, looked around for him. He wasn't there, omg. I wondered if I even remembered what he looked like. Several faces I had to look at a second time to confirm it wasn't him. I walked for 10 mins looking for him. He definately wasn't there. Maybe he had got the wrong terminal. I found a pay phone, dialed the number that had a few days ago caused me so much distress. 'Pick up, please pick up' I whispered to myself. "Hello" I hear. Relief! I didn't care that his tone was cold - for the first time in 4 months he picked up my call! He said he was running late and would be there in 10 mins. I couldn't help but think that he was purposefully giving me a taste of my own 'late' medicine.. but whatever, my baby was coming! I made my way to the nearest bathroom, made myself presentable and then found a seat to wait at. The wait was terrible, every person that walked by I would think was him, and would silently curse them if they weren't him. More than 25 mins had passed since I last spoke to him. I looked up out of the window, and I see my prince walking towards the door, with his trademark squint. He looks radiant in black, sexy as anything! *Faints*
I shoot up out of my chair and walk towards him hurridly. He sees me, smiles and then hugs me. My heart is pounding fast.. I can't look at him. He hold my hand, I'm in heaven. I am paralysed by his voice, barely being able to answer the questions he is asking me. I can't look at him, I take glances, my heart skips a beat at the sight of him. He is so handsome. I'm so nervous.
We walk hand in hand in awkward conversation. He points to my stomach and tells me I've lost weight - strangely reminiscent to our very first meeting, in exactly the same spot, where he touched my stomach and told me I had a flat tummy. Interesting. Another episode of Deja Vu followed immediately after when he loses his car, again!! LOL. And just like the last time, he tells me to sit on a wall and wait for him while he finds his car. I can't help but giggle to myself while he's gone. How surreal..
We eventually find his car (his baby lol). I climb in. I can't help but feel slightly aroused by the image of him in the driver's seat, with his built sexy tanned arms on the steering wheel.. wow. We drive to iHop!! Yayy. I joke and tell him that he is no longer required lol. To my relief, he laughs at this. He orders an egg omlette with all the trimmings. I order all the greasy junk (thoughts of those mozarella sticks drives me WILD). Omg. We eat up and make our way to la Hilton. It's the same one we stayed at last time. We see the exact same guard from 2 years ago! Vow. We check in, and stumble into our room as usual. We made love -- heavenly pleasure. It's always the best the first time we meet after a long time. Love was made at that moment.. all the tensions of the previous few months just disappeared. We were united, one, in harmony, in love. This was my man, my husband. I was in ecstacy, pure happiness. Finally, finally..
After a power nap we made our way to my baby's residences. A cute lil place next to a graveyard. I found the graveyard fascinating. It was huge, with perfect rows of uniform white headstones, below which actual people lay. I didn't allow myself to go too deep into thought of it. I walked into his apartment. Very small and cosy.. but I didn't like it. There was just a depressive feel to it. Especially in the bedroom. Perhaps I didn't like that three adult beds were crammed into such a small room. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe it was the mess lol. It was not fit for a king, let alone a God like Him. I don't know, it just didn't rock my boat.. and I felt a deep sense of sadness that my baby had to live here everyday. I didn't like that his precious clothes were scattered everywhere and his bed was not as comfortable as mine. I felt bad for him at that moment.. like really bad. I thought of our future, and how I would make a luxurious home for him. It's ok, I thought, I will make it all better when I come next year.
We had a quickie on his bed - short and sweet! We then went in search of some food. We are such animals lol. He took us close by, to a quiet little street. We park up and walk up and down the street weighing out our options. We settle for a funky lil place on the corner - something diner. I loved the feel of the place, totally American!! Unfortunately we sat beside a party of hyenas. They were too much for us and we left after having just ordered two waters. I spotted a place with eastern writing on the sign. I was feeling some eastern food, and after confirming that it was an Iranian place we decided to go there.
It was unusually quiet in the restaurant. I remember expressing concern at just how quiet it was at a time when in London the restaurants would usually be packed out. We were the only customers there. It had quite a romantic feel to it. Clean and well presented. I remember looking across at my man across the table and thinking how dashing he was looking at that moment.. mine, I sighed. I ordered an aush (my stomach wasn't feeling too good, I felt like something really light), while my husband ordered kebab and rice. The food hit the spot for both of us I think, not bad at all. We talked about stuff, in particular I told him about my plans to apply for a mentoring co-ordinator position within an Afghan organisation. We debated about whether working for another was less valuable than working for one's own name. I loved this convo.. it was the first intelligent conversation I had had in months.. I had been craving such talk. We used to talk about such things all the time. It was a satisfying little dinner.
We then went back to his place, totally loved up after the perfect evening. We went to retire for the night. The both of us tucked into his sweet lil bed. His arm around me, I gazed into his perfect eyes and thanked God for where I was at that moment. I honeslty did not believe I would ever be there again. It was a blessing.. God was kind. I was actually lying in bed with my baby.. it was surreal. I cherished every moment of it. We eventually fell into blissful slumber..
I emerged from the exit, looked around for him. He wasn't there, omg. I wondered if I even remembered what he looked like. Several faces I had to look at a second time to confirm it wasn't him. I walked for 10 mins looking for him. He definately wasn't there. Maybe he had got the wrong terminal. I found a pay phone, dialed the number that had a few days ago caused me so much distress. 'Pick up, please pick up' I whispered to myself. "Hello" I hear. Relief! I didn't care that his tone was cold - for the first time in 4 months he picked up my call! He said he was running late and would be there in 10 mins. I couldn't help but think that he was purposefully giving me a taste of my own 'late' medicine.. but whatever, my baby was coming! I made my way to the nearest bathroom, made myself presentable and then found a seat to wait at. The wait was terrible, every person that walked by I would think was him, and would silently curse them if they weren't him. More than 25 mins had passed since I last spoke to him. I looked up out of the window, and I see my prince walking towards the door, with his trademark squint. He looks radiant in black, sexy as anything! *Faints*
I shoot up out of my chair and walk towards him hurridly. He sees me, smiles and then hugs me. My heart is pounding fast.. I can't look at him. He hold my hand, I'm in heaven. I am paralysed by his voice, barely being able to answer the questions he is asking me. I can't look at him, I take glances, my heart skips a beat at the sight of him. He is so handsome. I'm so nervous.
We walk hand in hand in awkward conversation. He points to my stomach and tells me I've lost weight - strangely reminiscent to our very first meeting, in exactly the same spot, where he touched my stomach and told me I had a flat tummy. Interesting. Another episode of Deja Vu followed immediately after when he loses his car, again!! LOL. And just like the last time, he tells me to sit on a wall and wait for him while he finds his car. I can't help but giggle to myself while he's gone. How surreal..
We eventually find his car (his baby lol). I climb in. I can't help but feel slightly aroused by the image of him in the driver's seat, with his built sexy tanned arms on the steering wheel.. wow. We drive to iHop!! Yayy. I joke and tell him that he is no longer required lol. To my relief, he laughs at this. He orders an egg omlette with all the trimmings. I order all the greasy junk (thoughts of those mozarella sticks drives me WILD). Omg. We eat up and make our way to la Hilton. It's the same one we stayed at last time. We see the exact same guard from 2 years ago! Vow. We check in, and stumble into our room as usual. We made love -- heavenly pleasure. It's always the best the first time we meet after a long time. Love was made at that moment.. all the tensions of the previous few months just disappeared. We were united, one, in harmony, in love. This was my man, my husband. I was in ecstacy, pure happiness. Finally, finally..
After a power nap we made our way to my baby's residences. A cute lil place next to a graveyard. I found the graveyard fascinating. It was huge, with perfect rows of uniform white headstones, below which actual people lay. I didn't allow myself to go too deep into thought of it. I walked into his apartment. Very small and cosy.. but I didn't like it. There was just a depressive feel to it. Especially in the bedroom. Perhaps I didn't like that three adult beds were crammed into such a small room. Maybe it was the lighting. Maybe it was the mess lol. It was not fit for a king, let alone a God like Him. I don't know, it just didn't rock my boat.. and I felt a deep sense of sadness that my baby had to live here everyday. I didn't like that his precious clothes were scattered everywhere and his bed was not as comfortable as mine. I felt bad for him at that moment.. like really bad. I thought of our future, and how I would make a luxurious home for him. It's ok, I thought, I will make it all better when I come next year.
We had a quickie on his bed - short and sweet! We then went in search of some food. We are such animals lol. He took us close by, to a quiet little street. We park up and walk up and down the street weighing out our options. We settle for a funky lil place on the corner - something diner. I loved the feel of the place, totally American!! Unfortunately we sat beside a party of hyenas. They were too much for us and we left after having just ordered two waters. I spotted a place with eastern writing on the sign. I was feeling some eastern food, and after confirming that it was an Iranian place we decided to go there.
It was unusually quiet in the restaurant. I remember expressing concern at just how quiet it was at a time when in London the restaurants would usually be packed out. We were the only customers there. It had quite a romantic feel to it. Clean and well presented. I remember looking across at my man across the table and thinking how dashing he was looking at that moment.. mine, I sighed. I ordered an aush (my stomach wasn't feeling too good, I felt like something really light), while my husband ordered kebab and rice. The food hit the spot for both of us I think, not bad at all. We talked about stuff, in particular I told him about my plans to apply for a mentoring co-ordinator position within an Afghan organisation. We debated about whether working for another was less valuable than working for one's own name. I loved this convo.. it was the first intelligent conversation I had had in months.. I had been craving such talk. We used to talk about such things all the time. It was a satisfying little dinner.
We then went back to his place, totally loved up after the perfect evening. We went to retire for the night. The both of us tucked into his sweet lil bed. His arm around me, I gazed into his perfect eyes and thanked God for where I was at that moment. I honeslty did not believe I would ever be there again. It was a blessing.. God was kind. I was actually lying in bed with my baby.. it was surreal. I cherished every moment of it. We eventually fell into blissful slumber..
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