Day 3

I went to use the internet to see if my brother had e-mailed me. I saw a message in my inbox, but it was not from my brother. It was from an old internet acquaintance, the same acquaintance that M happened to be linked to before me. She warns me about M, telling me that he is a womaniser and that I should beware not to fall victim to his promiscuous ways. She told me he had tried to contact her recently.. my heart sank so deep as I read. I believed her, I knew she was telling the truth.. because I knew that he was capable of such.

Panic shot through me. I stared at the bathroom where he was getting ready. What was I doing here? Thousands of miles away from home, from my family who had 100% trust in me, my family who I had deceived to be here, with a guy who I was learning I knew less and less about, doing things with him.. my heart started beating faster as I began to panic. He seemed so distant to me at that moment.. who was he? What did he want from me? Was I just another "chick" ? A huge lump developed in my throat as I sat in front of the laptop trying to catch my breath. He came in and said something to me - I could hardly take in what he was saying.. something about taking care of one's appearance.. I don't remember, because I was not listening, I could not concentrate. I just stared at him, as he spoke, trying to figure him out. "Who the hell are you?" I remember screaming at him inside my head, "what have you done this to me?". He spoke and I nodded and smiled.. inside I was slowly dying.

Suddenly I wasn't looking forward to the day ahead anymore, I just wanted to run out of there and get on the first plane back home.. I was with a stranger. The feeling was surreal, I had never viewed him as a stranger before, but at that moment I just could not figure out who he was. But I stayed.. tried to reassure myself that this was just a big misunderstanding, and that I couldn't possibly be so naive that I would be taken for a fool this way. I composed myself, brushed all my doubts under the carpet and told myself to relax. I mentally rejected all the doubts that were brewing inside of me and convinced myself that there had been some gross misunderstanding.. I allowed myself to warm to him again.. we went on to have a great day. I had suppressed my emotions well - sure the thoughts would re-emerge at unexpected times throughout the day, but I did not allow my mind to let them flourish. I knew that it would be wrong to let my emotions hijack me on this trip that I had wished for so hard during the 3 months prior.. at least not without investigation.

And investigation I did.. as soon as I got back to London. But he was smart. He played the "admit before you get blamed" trick -- in my e-mail was a message from him informing me that they had been in contact, portraying it light-hearted and jokingly, "your rival is back".. very clever indeed - I mean, if he sets the tone as a joke, with any luck I too would reply with el-oh-el's, right? Wrong. Unluckily, I failed to see the funny side of it. It hurt even more that he thought I was THAT stupid and naive and malleable that I would actually laugh along with him like some dumb bimbo. He tends to forget that I am smarter than him at times. I certainly wasn't laughing..

Confronted with my unexpectedly negative response, he exhibited defensive anger - anger that his attempts to direct my response didn't work out as planned. I asked him to send me their dialogue if there was nothing to hide. He plainly objected.. 1-up for me. Why would you refuse to show something to someone you claim to love, something you know would mean a lot to that person, unless you had something to hide? "Ask her to show you" he replies, knowing that I would never ask her. Very clever - if he's asking me to ask her to show me then it must mean that he's got nothing to hide, right? Wrong. It means that he thinks I'm a dumb bimbo.

I never did ask her.. in fact, I told her that she must have got her wires crossed, that he would never do such a thing.

Lier. You embarrassed yourself, and me by asking her if I was flirtatious and what I said to her. She forwarded me your email, and with it put me down by stating that the person I claim to be my best friend cannot trust me.

I would have embarrassed myself if I hadn't asked. Not asking would have made me look naive, and without dignity and self respect. Anyone would have asked, it's not about trust. I asked it knowing that one of two outcomes would occur;
1) She would be proved wrong and made to look a fool for even confronting me about it, or
2) You would be found to be guilty, in which case I would no longer care how our relationship is portrayed.
Believe me, I thought long and hard about whether or not to ask her, and I still stick by my decision. I don't think it made us look bad at all, rather it made her look bad.

I didn't want her to know that our relationship was on the rocks. I didn't want her to think that our relationship was weak. I tried to make her jealous, by saying that we were perfect together and that things could not get any better. How pathetic of me. She was probably rolling around laughing at her computer screen reading my e-mail, maybe with him.. both pitying me. He told me that they were no longer in contact, yet a few weeks later he expressed that they had a conversation after the supposed 'last conversation' in which she expressed her vulgarity towards "farsi zubaans". I mean if you're going to lie at least remember what you lied about, right?

Soon you will feel very bad and quite pathetic once you read the emails I sent to Sofia. But it will be too late-- you took a mere few words from a stranger without evidence, and used it to debase everything I stand for. The whole reason for not sharing, was to see your response, and test your faith in me. Plus, you can never be satisfied with me forwarding you emails, as that would not eliminate doubt, due to the possibility of me editing them.

I don't need to see the content of the e-mails. The very fact that you e-mailed her so soon after we broke up is an action that is worth more than words to me. I just can't see past this.. and I can't understand your explanation for it.

I have come across genuine honest pious people before. He is not that type of guy.

You wrote this statement a few weeks ago, it was in the draft folder here. Then a few days ago you email me saying I am the "most amazing person you know". I ignored the latter, knowing that it's false. You throw out emotions that clash and do not withstand time. Fake.

You portray clashing personalities, I just don't know what to think of you anymore. You are like two different people, hot and cold all the time.. which is why I and deeply in love with you one day and the next day I hate you. It's not me being fake, it's you being inconsistant.

His philosophy is "what they don't know won't hurt them". This coupled with his more than average interest in women and sex, there was no doubt that he was capable of (at least) thinking of multiple relations at one time. Note, one must distinguish capable from the actual -- I had no proof that he was doing anything unlawful, but I knew that he had the type of conscious that would not stand as an obstacle for him doing such. The fact that he had contacted her so soon after our break up confirmed this. Guilt was no deterrent. He is not a God-fearing person either, so there was no comfort for me there either. The fear I had had about him almost from day one was now becoming a stark possibility. I never trusted him 100%, from the moment I met him, but I wanted to be with him and I forced myself to overlook the worrying reality.

The interesting thing is that I had predicted it - and now it was being confirmed to me. During those months when he had left me I actually knew that he would get in contact with her, every bone in my body was screaming it to me.. and that was probably one of the most difficult things about the break-up for me - the fear that I was being dumped for a prettier, smarter, more interesting girl. Adding to the anxiety was that fact that she was the only girl in the world that I have ever been jealous of. I'm not a naturally jealous or possessive person, but of her I was jealous.. ever since our time on the forums together. I mean she has everything that I don't have, and more.. including my husband now it seems. She is super-intelligent, philosophical, wrote amazingly, was pretty, religious, pure, a good girl.. I am used, easy, lazy, unintelligent, a failure, ugly. I even remember he used to say that he had a thing for female lawyers in their attire. I used to fool myself and make myself believe that he had "chosen me" over her. I used to fantasise about all the things I had above her, and when I couldn't think of anything I would ask him "why did you choose me over her?" and he would always reply with "I don't know, you're sweet I guess". Bullshit. The first (and only) poem he had once written and sent me, titled "Oh daughter of adam" (or something), I remember reading it 20 times a day for one year straight. I had printed it out and had kept it in my wallet, I would even boast about it to my friends. Later I discovered he had sent the exact same poem to her before me. I was just an experiment, to see how I'd react to it, to give him a kick, a laugh.. it was actually meant for her. How embarrassing to think that I actually thought I was first choice, when in fact I was just second best.. how utterly embarrassing..

Did you already forget the dozens of notes and little rhymes I would write for you in person, suprising you at the door and on your desktop?

Rhymes and poems are not the same, they are two very different things. Rhymes can be written in 5 minutes, poems cannot.

It's probably why he feels so "depressed" about me sending him birthday gifts.. I mean why would anyone feel "deeply saddened" about receiving gifts from a loved one on their birthday?? Unless ofcourse he was feeling guilty about something.. had his conscience caught up with him? Should I be glad that he at least has a conscience? This is slightly reminiscent of the times when he would express with me his "sadness" at Mina sending him gifts. And that also explains the ignoring - he hopes that if he ignores me for long enough that I will just leave him, because he hasn't got the balls to tell me that he has found someone else, JUST LIKE he did to Mina. Wow, the realisation that I am suddenly another Mina.. wowww.

I should be asking you-- the one who cries whenever I give her something, and yells and claims to be extremely saddened to receive a gift from me, and then admits that she is inadequate. I always wondered why you wouldn't get happy. Last time I tried giving you a gift, you looked at it in disgust and said it was an ugly bracelet and you would never put it on your arm, and scolded me for buying it. I will never forget that, it really hurt-- if it was any other guy or girl that gave you something, you would kiss their feet and smile. Check drm.drs@hotmail.com about how I cherished your gifts.

I don't like how you do that - you turn it back around onto me when you feel threatened by an accusation that I make about you. When I get upset about you giving me gifts its because I know you don't have the money to buy me such gifts. I'm just the type of person who doesn't like to recieve gifts from anyone, not just you. I prefer giving. I can't believe you took that bracelet thing seriously. Ofcourse it was not an ugly bracelet, any sane girl would love it. I was annoyed because you spent money that you don't have, and I specifically warned you not to. How could I possibly feel good about it knowing that you're spending money that you could be using to buy food or pay bills, etc. Hence the reason I left you that money.

And to top it all off (this actually had me speechless and barely mobile for 30 mins straight), I had texted him that I'd call him on his birthday to speak to him. I even gave a specific time that I'd call. I woke up an hour earlier that morning, excited as fuck, to get to my work location an hour early so that I could call him before I started work. I ran out of the train station and frantically dialed his number, barely able to because of sheer excitement.. but I got greeted by his voicemail. I walked into a shop, locked myself in one of the changing rooms and cried for 10 mins. He actually turned his phone off, wow I felt like shit being scraped of someone's shoe. Was I that much of a burden? Was I such an annoyance? Or would my phone call have inconvenienced Ms. So-fine (or the equivalent) I wonder?

If only you knew the truth.

What?

"Dissembler of virtue".. an interesting phrase, one that keeps ringing in my head, over and over.. and I can't make it stop.

Am I letting my desire to be with someone so seemingly perfect cloud my sense of dignity and self respect? It has become apparent to me that this has been the case. I don't trust him, but I desire him.. and it seems that I have been trying to convince myself that desire is a good enough reason to stick with him, undignifiedly so. How weak of me.

A truly good person would have taken my hands and helped me up off my knees as I begged for forgiveness kneeling in front of them and embraced me in acceptance and forgiveness. He, on the other hand, effectively kicked me in the teeth while I was down, deafening himself to my desperate pleas, shoving "my own medicine" ruthlessly down my gullet at every opportunity, smirking in satisfaction as he watched me suffer, displaying unbelievable arrogance.

Stop acting like you *did* these things, you simply "typed" these things, just as you type many other things that end up contradicting your actions. If you did these things in person, I would make you my queen. I watched you closely when you came to visit me, the word "sorry" barely came out of your mouth a couple times, and was no where near the sincerity you portrayed in emails.

Omg, I cannot believe you are saying this.. I am speechless, I don't even know what to say to this..

That is not love, not even close.. the only person he loves is himself and his dick. Such behaviour does not even come into the scope of "love". A good person would not even do that to his worst enemy, let alone someone he loves. One characteristic of a good person is that they don't make a person feel bad when that person has expressed genuine remorse. What is more unbelievable is that he actually made me believe all this time that the reason he was leaving me was because of my evil wicked acts, when in fact his dick had sniffed out new pussy and I was old news.

I wish I had new pussy right now.. however, I am buried in work, debt, and ailing family. I don't tell you my personal problems.. I wish I could. I can't even afford 2 minutes to think about 'pussy', let alone have one. Believe it or not, you are the only pussy my dick "sniffed out".

You wish you had new pussy.. I rest my case..

Yes, I did wrong, but it was all unconscious, out of naivity, out of stupidity, out of being a plain old lawda, out of inexperience, out of immaturity. I feel like he has done to me 10 times worse than I have done to him, and he is still not satisfied. I genuinely did not mean to hurt him, I no longer care if he believes that or not, but he intentionally set out to hurt me through cunning and malice, I now realise it. That is not the type of person I want to be with. He is not so perfect afterall..

I will always always love the person that I thought he was.. I no longer love the person that he has become - and that is not easy for me to say. It's time to move on, I've been punished enough, I have been to hell and back the past few months, and I am emotionally so so drained.. I just want to rest. I just want to go somewhere far away and forget this shitty lonely unfair life.

The delusion was good while it lasted. You really had me, you got me good. You had some fun with this I'm sure.. but I genuinely fell for you, really bad. Wow, 6 whole years in blissful ignorance.. it's true what people say about me, I really am a lawda.

Not 6 years. Barely 3 years.. 2 of which in person.. and 1 of which was "e-marriage" that was based on us ending it and you leaving for Dubai when your time came. I'm sure you had fun as well. Thank you for some of the best memories of my life, I will always cherish them.

I wish you happiness in your life, go be with the person you are really pining for. I'm sure that she is a "really really" girly girl with flawless fair skin, gorgeous hair and boobs bigger than 2 inches. You are free from my shackles. Go be happy now.

I recall the 2-inches remark-- It was in response to you calling me ugly for 15 minutes straight in every way possible, so cold and derogatory, then walking out with a strange emotional tantrum.

Are you out of your mind? You really think that I find you unattractive? It was a JOKE, I actually remember the tone in which I was saying it to you - very humourously. It was an OBVIOUS joke. This is how you turn things back onto me, very clever you are.

Just 1 day ago, you claimed so much love for me, and then the next day you text me that you don't and cannot. Love doesn't just "come and go", no matter how much I hated your demeanor at times, I couldn't even force myself to tell you "I don't love you". When I did not like what you had become, I just simply ignored you, hoping the best for you.

I was careful not to say that I did not love YOU anymore, only that I didn't love who you had become. I will always be madly in love with the M I fell for.. if you are still him then ofcourse I love you, always will. The person you have become bears no resemblance to my M, and that person I cannot love, because there is nothing to love about him.

I have and always will love you, and if it was never apparent to you, then you are the most horrible person, a user and abuser. I am shocked that you think the past 2 years have been nothing but an experiment..

I didn't say the past 2 years - I said the poem was an experiment, which it was. You sent that poem to her first and then me. Clearly it was intended for her, and then passed on to me to tease me.

if you could not see the sincerity in my actions and eyes, then you are an insensitive animal. Don't you dare tell me I don't know the meaning of love.. You asked me for another chance, you repeatedly told me I did not have to do anything, not even an ounce of effort, but sit and watch you show me love you did not before and watch you go the extra mile you never went before.. and that is what I did and was doing, watching, thinking, and slowly allowing myself to grow onto you again.. but this was the result. Another contradiction: you expected me to be the same instantly and forgot what you asked for.

I am just human, it hurts me when you treat me the way you do. It's extremely difficult for me. Barely a night has gone by, in the past 5 months, that I haven't cried myself to sleep, except for the ones I spent with you. I am constantly on the look out for opportunities to end my life "naturally". That is not normal, not characteristic of someone who is enjoying life.

A good person would not put me through that. A good person would not subject me to such mean toturous "tests".

I wish you happiness as well, and hope that you find that "pious genuine honest guy". I wonder who that guy is that is giving you such strength to render me as something beyond my imagination..

I don't want a pious genuine honest guy.. I just want you, the way you used to be..