The black cat

Pulled my mustang into the garage and sat inside until the song was finished as I mumbled the tune to myself nodding my head side to side, using the steering wheel as a drum. After blowing off some steam with a friend this evening, relaxing a couple hours after a long and immensly productive day, I came home. The asian waitress at the cafe clearly wanted something with her little suggestive gestures and smiles with 20 seconds of intermittent gazing after she took my order. I thought to myself, 'Ok, you can go now, you have our order, why are you standing there staring at me so long with that strange smile, do I have a bugor on me or something?' So awkward. Maybe the poor girl was just trying to be overly nice to get an extra tip.

A very dark and quiet night it seemed, the streetlight across my garage gave the usual chilling glimpse of the grave yard. The glowing lights of the swimming pool in my apartment complex broke the subtle darkness in a sort of mystical way as I walked towards my door.

As I open the door to my apartment, I see one of my roomates lying on the couch looking deeply into his laptop as he designed the software for his engineering project. Btw, I think his invention is going to be bought by Intel, and he is going to be a rich kid, or maybe not, I don't know, he does boast a lot. I give him a warm smile and we exchange greetings as usual as I give him one of those 'peudo-hugs' that guys give each other that is supposed to be a hug, but rather resembles a sort of embracing handshake in order to "not seem gay", and I go on and give him some sarcastic remarks that induce his usual laugh. He went off to bed, and I got into my PJs and decided to continue working on some projects.

It was past midnight.. and I hear a sudden scratching at my front door. I look out the window and see a fluffy black cat. They say black cats are the "jin" or bad luck, that one must shoo them away instantly. I'm not a fan of superstition-- should I be? I found this very fascinating--as an event that had a sort of mysterious randomness, I mean, who gets a black cat randomly scratching at their door and prrring in the middle of the night? I got out my blackberry phone camera, thought I'd take a picture of it, and maybe rub its head (For some reason I love playing with animals and rubbing their soft heads). I slowly opened the door, and the cat sprinted inside my room towards my studyspace:





I picked it up, and took it back outside. It seemed so calm, and started licking my hand as I placed it back on the floor outside. It had no collar, it was likely a stray. It seemed so clean and groomed though. I stared at it wondering why it could have come to my door.. it sat down and held a very strong and disturbing gaze into my eyes... I stared back into its eyes for a good two minutes, wondering to myself how this animal may percieve, and what its life may be like, the world of cat I thought. I figured it was hungry, so I went back inside and got a little bowl and filled it with milk and placed it in front of it. It immediately started drinking as if there was no tomorrow, as I rubbed its head.

I closed the door, and went back to my work. How strange.. I thought to myself as a faint smile formed on my face. To many it may seem as nothing noteworthy.. but the world is not as we see it, there seems to be meaning behind what we encounter everyday, there is inordinary behind the ordinary.. a rich and fulfilling life that is fueled by entertaining thoughts needs the latter as fuel. Maybe it had come to take my soul, and saw my kindness and decided not to. It was the Angel of Death. Anything goes..

-m

The power in me...

4am at the biomedical library, in a mode of deep thought and self-reflection, and sleeplessness.. on a full dose of caffeine, a study break I thought would be best, as I began playing aimlessly with my camera phone. Snap.. snap the phone's camera effect broke the silence of the library as 2 heads looked towards me wondering why.. I was taken aback by my own striking image on this particular shot-- such a ferocity and intensity seems to eminate from the depths of this image in this pose and moment and time, that I myself could not recognize, and had to gaze and wonder, what have I become?

The edge and drive that fueled my intense worth ethic and hunger for over achievement seems fully revived just in this gaze alone. No softness is seen in this character. This is the image of the one who has the license to dominate and kill... to bend his surroundings to his very will, with no foe able to challenge his presence.. I am back, watch out world.

Click on the image, and stare into my eyes.. and enter my realm if you dare.

-m

I got stuck in my shirt

This morning I got stuck in my shirt.. yes, as strange as it sounds, I got stuck in my shirt. A few years ago I used to train so hard that when I would get home, my muscles would be so depleted that I couldn't hold my cup or spoon, and my mom would stare at me like I'm crazy.. but my dad, having been an athlete himself, would understand and say 'ah, you over did it, naafit raft'.

I had forgotten how it feels to have muscles that fatigued, particularly because over the years as I became more accustomed to working out, I never really reached such levels of fatigue. But this morning I did.. yeah I know it sounds weird. After an intense bout of chest and tricep work, I came home to take a shower and whilst lifting up the bottom of my shirt over my head.. I became stuck and couldn't move my arms.. ahahah I had depleted all of the glycogen in my triceps it seems.. and for a moment I thought holy crap I am really stuck in my shirt.. I stood there for a good two minutes wiht my boxers and shirt stuck on me, wondering how pathetic of a situation this must be. Finally I managed to pull the shirt off.

-m

Praise to ID(s)

Oh Intelligent Designer(s).. to thy omnipotent intelligence I give my gratitute towards.. to the electromagnetic feild that you are... tunneling through the depths of my experience, in flesh, in energy, you driveth the manifestations of my every sense. Surely whatever you are you do exist-- and in my dreams you have shown a piece of yourself, and made clear to me evidence of your strong presence. I am now at your whims.

As we look around and think.. what we experience.. every sense touched upon by our surroundings.. How and why? We are not alone.. never, we are a part of something more encompassing.

-m

12 things I love about you..

1. I love how your beautiful, ivory white, and finely figured thighs feel on my hands, body and lips, how they taste as I kiss them.. how you spread them open... how at times you wrap them around me during love... so strong, so delicious, so sexy..

2. I love how you rest your head on my shoulder or chest, or on my torso or thighs as we cuddle in front of a movie.. so warm and loving as I feel your soft hair and caress you..

3. I love greeting your adorable smile and presence at the door.. as you greet me and come to my arms.. as I feel my lips on your tender cheeks or warm lips.. as you return my kiss

4. I love how you move your body when you dance for me.. so elegant and inticing.. spicy..

5. I love how in every email, or post that I've read in online forums, your vocabulary and writing is so refined and well orchestrated.. it shows your class, intellect, and care for detail.

6. I love your love for things that invoke thought.. for knowledge, for science, your open mindedness and powerful sense of logic

7. I love how you share my passions, and so open to new ideas and activities..

8. I love how you are so naughty and randomly please me.. letting your sweet saliva and warm lips and tongue entice the roots of my organ spontaneously..

9. I love your lovely british accent and your voice.. I love how you sing.. I have saved that sweet little persian song you sang to me on my voicemail, and often find myself listening to it as I walk home in the dark..

10. I love how you naaz.. with the tone of your voice and adorable gestures-- "mjaaaaay babbyyyy *sad face*".. it melts me and makes me want to eat you alive. You are my baby..

11. I love how you are soo soft and naazuk.. so easily cry floods of tears... it shows how much of a warm and clean heart and dil you have..

12. I love your simple innocence.

I love you..

-m

10 things I love about you..

1. I love how you are so loving to me, even when I'm being moody. Always so understanding and forgiving.

2. I love your big huge golden heart, that touches all whom you encounter.. with your generous ways and your gentle mannerisms.

3. I love your intelligence, your logic, your hunger for knowledge and success.. how you are always right.

4. I love your sweet laugh, so genuine and cute.

5. I love the unique smell of you, especially around your neck and jaw.. I could sniff you forever.

6. I love your gorgeous eyes, the way you look at me so lovingly.. you melt me *sighhh*.

7. I love the way I get lost in your big muscular but warm embrace.

8. I love the way you say my name.. so sexy and possessive, it gives me butterflies in my stomach.

9. I love the way you roll your eyes when you talk.

10. I love how you spend hours in front of the mirror posing and pouting, lol akhhhh.

I love you.. and I love that I am yours.

-s

What is happening to us.. this is not characteristic of two people madly in love. I can't think what is causing this friction. It's not the worry of plan Z anymore.. Is it the distance? Is it me?

When the person whose opinion means the most to you is constantly criticising you, implying that you are careless and lazy and spend most of your time on facebook, youtube and forums.. stops you from engaging in extra-curricular activities that you learn a lot from, and makes you cut ties with the few people that you actually enjoy the company of because they have some paranoia that the associate is flirtatious.. and then to top it off expresses to you that they miss the company of their past love interest.. it can make one quite bitter. He really thinks I'm dumb, and I am finding that I am starting to playing this character because I am starting to believe that that is what I really am.

The recent tensions basically started when I joked that I was wasting time on facebook, with the intention of actually drawing his attention to the fact that I was e-mailing the members of my Afghan group, expecting encouragement and pride from him. Contrary to the response I expected, he proceeded to tell me not to waste time on facebook and to concentrate on my studies. He criticised that I must have spent an hour on invitations and when I expressed my sadness at his unexpected criticism he mocked me with: "YAYYYYYYYYYY GO SJJJJJJJJ GO QMUL AFGHANSS WOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Naturally, I'm put off the afghan group, the same way that I became put off the Islamic group. But I have already sent out invites, and cannot let them down. He tells me to be proffessional, but in the same breath tells me to cancel the meeting and postpone it for another week so that I can assign the members (whom I have not met yet) the task of writing and e-mailing me a list of 5 things we can do. I tell him that I do not think that this is a good idea, and immediately he is offended that I did not take his advice. I mean who am I, a mere lazy time waster, to challenge the views of MJ The Great.

I'm truly sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I am a bad person, there's nothing more to it. I always tell you that you deserve better than me.. so please go and get it. Hollywood-model-refined girls are in abundance in LA, and most would throw themselves at you.

I think we both need time to cool off.. this is way too much drama. It's eating into our study time, neither of us can afford this right now. No msn, no e-mails, no texts, no blog.. I'll contact you in a few weeks.

Take care of yourself.

"Lump in my throat"

Dear Blog,

How are you today?

She ends the convo again with her obvious awkwardness and very transparent sense of "I'm offended, bye"... trying to give me a guilt trip, as if her demeanor and words that induced my honest, polite, and straight forward email in the first place did not:

1) Give me a "lump in the throat"
2) Made me feel "offended"
3) Made me feel like an intruder and "misunderstood"?


And I'm supposed to feel bad about not automatically taking her previous words and coldness as warmth..... and naaz her and say "awww I'm so sorry for giving you an email that was in line with the tone you were clearly conveying to me, and that you felt bad reading what you asked for"?

I'm sorry, that's not how the world, or my world, works.. that's not the type of person I am, I am human and have rights and deserve mutual consideration. I will take and respond to someone as they clearly convey themselves to me; and give to them based on vibes or words I get from them, I'm not psychic nor a needy loser. I can have anything I want in this world, and I won't shortchange myself one bit. People should not take my warmth and kindess as a weakness that can be used to step all over me.. Just as I am kind, I can also be so harsh as to unleash a raging-hell that will destroy and break a person within 2.768 minutes, and leave one amidst the abruptness of a striking coldness.

-m

Frustration..

Dear Blog,

When someone captures your heart.. you become vulnerable to them.. and sensitive to how they respond to you.. in every way. An ancient poet once said that even the biggest, strongest, and most arrogant man, when in the web of true love, becomes an emotional and soft being vulnerable to frustration and grief in front of the subject of their love..

Sometimes I feel so at a loss with her, I become so internally frustrated, and feel like banging my head against a wall and just shutting off my computer and turning off my mind.. I always then think to myself.. what am I doing wrong? Is it me? Am I trying too hard to maintain something? All I want is to keep her pleased, which in turn keeps me pleased, and to steer clear of any arguments.. and at times it seems to take its toll on me and give me this impending sense of internal friction (I'm sure she feels the same way), that ruins my sleep at night and makes me ask, "Is there something wrong with me, why can't I maintain a relationship like all of my friends and their girlfriends without such tension that seems to become more and more common in our every conversation?" I observe my friends in serious relationships, and their hollywood-model-refined girlfriends call or run up to them and jump on their laps, and share the intricate details of their day in such a cheery, warm, and feminine manner with no tension whatsover, as I watch the eyes of my friends glisten-- and this makes me *sigh* and wonder how great that must be.... and then I look closer to my friends and see that they are clearly less smart, less established, and look no better than I do, in fact at times I notice a couple of them are in far less physical shape than I am, and have horrible hygiene at times... and I wonder to myself "what is wrong with me, I think deserve that kind of treatment and joy in my life.. why am I not receiving it while these losers are?"... and whenever I observe these greetings of love with other couples, I always immediately remember how she intitially greeted and treated me in the movie before the last.. and I get really upset and feel that pain I felt right at that moment in that starbucks, as I thought to myself "I just maxed out my cards and travelled half way around the world so exhausted, with a severe headache from jetlag, no sleep, eager to hold her and run into our private little room to embrace, taste, and feel warm with her presence asap... expecting to see a warm and smiling face that eludes sincerity and true happiness at my safe arrival as anyone would expect from a lover they have not seen in months, and instead why am I greeted by a gloomy whining aura, such an inconsiderate attitude and distress, no hospitality, not an ounce of warmth and love in her eyes as she frantically looks to her phone and out of the glass window, not once uttering how I may be feeling, nor once looking at me in eyes, nor asking how my trip was, or if she has any plans for us, but rather indirectly implying that I should bring her something to eat because she is so stressed, as if I am nothing, and me sitting there like a loser not knowing what is going on, so tired and wanting to just lie down somewhere with her in my lap..... surely this is uncalled for, no matter how stressed she may be, I don't deserve this at all". I just can't seem to get that image out of my head as I sat there with these thoughts running through my head, and I became so frustrated, I need some closure for that, I still haven't forgiven that moment, it hurt so so so bad, and does more and more afterwards when that image reappears, especially as I observe the bliss of others with sheer joy and yearning. I honestly have to at times go for a serious run whenever I remember that incident, and try to supress and forget that image that broke me and made me feel like worthless crap. My heart aches everytime I remember that. Am I that much of a loser, why have people who have so much less to offer than me never subjected to such a feeling from the one they make their heart vulnerable to... am I trying too hard for a dead end?

It's quite noteworthy that she herself seems to know this, so certainly I must not be delusional:

"but im always giving u grief.. how are u still so into me.. it amazes me... my grief is at my own inconsistencies toward u"


It has become an emotional roller coaster lately, its hard to put into words.. but I struggle and try to maintain myself.. and think.. it's probably me, not her, maybe I'm misunderstanding her (although she seems to be under the misconception that I think that I am perfect), and maybe its just the external problems. I continue to hold on tightly to the promise of this relationship, continuously saying to myself over and over again, "she is a sweetheart and we will be happy together when there is no fear of publicity and our lives become one".... trying earnestly to iron out the dilemmas between us.. and I have adopted a very open type of communication in which I share with her exactly what I feel... hoping that she will understand me better, and return me the favor rather than leave me guessing what she is thinking and hoping for the best. But maybe thats a wrong question to be asking, there should be harmony NOW in every moment of our contact.. otherwise how can we expect that "there will be"? Maybe being far away makes this understandable.. and gives a satisfactory response? Can that be it?

She seems to have adopted an interesting way of making statements to me though, that is becoming more and more common... through a sort of awkward and formal vibe.. or through subtle gestures through her online speech... she knows exactly what I am talking about.. and at times I feel like an intruder just asking her about the details of her days.... or about what she did at a certain meeting.. or what she plans to do. Tired of feeling that way, I thought I wouldn't ask her or show concern through questions about her new afg-group, and she immediately become offended and told me that I seem careless, and went into awkward silence and a transparent vibe I could clearly sense that said "I'm offended". Sensing this, and not wanting her to feel bad, I began asking details about it, thinking perhaps she does really want my input (afterall I am happy she is making this group, I'm the one that gave her the idea, wrote her mission statement, and encouraged her, and I personally would enjoy and love to give her my input as I made clear to her long ago), and in response, she indirectly pushed me aside and gave me vague abrupt answers as to portray a sense of "I'm doing whatever I am, none of you business, go study".

With my heart and soul I want the best for her and want her to succeed and do great things, I wish she could truly realise this, once she does, maybe she can put down her guard with me... I honestly try to take in cues as much as possible and use them to in turn make her happy.. but it seems to backfire at times. For example, recently when I emailed her a very large and sincere action plan, thinking that maybe she would appreciate some guidance from me-- (afterall, she always says she values my advice and she is who she is due to my guidance and discussions)-- I clearly got a response of annoyance with a one liner that is in stark contrast to her usual enthusiasm and sweetness whenever she appreciates something or likes someting... as if she suddenly did not want me to give her advice or direction anymore... I wish she knew how awful these things make me feel.. it really really feels awful, I don't think I deserve to feel like that. It would be so great if these gestures did not exist, and she just explained to me openly and in the sweet and mature manner characteristic of her what it is she wants and doesn't want.. she has become a paradox.. and often makes me wonder in my mind "Gosh, please... please stop giving me such a hard time.. fine I will just.. just ignore everything and not talk and leave you alone.. just tell me.. if I leave you alone OR if I try to discuss with you and ask questions you become awkward (in a very obvious manner) either way.. please"

She seems to automatically think that my questioning is in bad light, and is an interrogation to discover whether or not she is telling the truth and that it is no more than a manifestation of distrust, she admitted this to me. This saddens me because nothing can be farther from the truth. I just want that sweetness I see my peers having.. gosh I want that so bad. She must really think I'm some sort of low-life that has absolutely nothing to do but focus on which tracks she takes every moment of her life, as if I have nothing to do all day-- if only she could take a glance at my schedule and my task-list on my Pocket-PC she would understand that I am so engaged in this worldly existence, that my only free time is when I speak to her. All I want is to feel close and one.. and feel like a real couple that shares their days and lives with one another wholly and spontaneously without effort.. I don't know how to make this clear to her.. It's hard to be so far away.. its hard.. I just want to be able to openly share EVERY detail of our life automatically with one another, no matter what the medium of communication.. I think to myself: "Am I missing something? Is there something about her I don't know that is making this so hard?"


My really great concern, that I could no longer sugar coat and hold in, and never felt at an ease right from the beginning... was her involvment with a certain group and person that I have become increasingly weary about, and I decided I will just let her know straight up that I can't accept this anymore, that it makes me feel uneasy, and want her no where near them anymore. I am so thankful and blessed that she immediately accepted and understood my feelings as being natural and made clear to me that my happiness is her priority, and that she will immediately stop her involvement with these subjects, and actually said "I obey you, and it is my duty". This gesture alone blew me away, and made me realise how lucky I am to have such a sweet girl as my lover, and that she really does care and is trying to make me happy, just as I am trying to make her happy.. that we just tend to really misunderstand each other at times..

I just hope these emotional oscillations come to a rest.. and we can be harmonious 24/7.. otherwise I fear greatly that one day I will just run away from this dilemma seeking peace just as my friends have found peace, enjoying my last days smiling away from frustration and drama.

I'm confident it will happen as we learn more and more about each other, let down our guards--and as long as love and passion exists, we will easily and happily conform ourselves to each others pet peeves and be fulfilled.

We have many great and fulfilling times ahead of us :) If we get through this, I think we will have the strongest and most satisfying of times. As the great saying goes, when there is a will, there is a way.

-m

Mistake in previous post

Dear Blog,

I think the previous post I made about her not having any more warmth for me is wrong, she was just being very formal for a brief amount of time.. because she felt that I perhaps did not want her-- which is understandable, one would be shattered to hear such implications from the one they want, so I don't blame her. However, this was not really the case, but rather a sense of distraught within me, and I was merely pointing out some concerns, which she herself acknowledged and recognized as shortcomings. I wanted to let her know that there are some things in her conduct that I personally do not see myself being happy with on a regular basis and cannot live with... I am only human, and this must be understandable to any living human. I made clear to her that she is not doing these things purpsosefully nor to be malicious, but perhaps are her natural tendancies. I now think this may be not trie.. I'm beginning to believe that she wants to be that ultimate person that not only I, but her contemporaries, look up to and say "she is truly a perfect and sincere human being", and this in itself is wonderful, as it shows her willingness to work on what both she and I see as shortcomings.

I'm already beginning to see how things are changing for the good.. of course I myself have many shortcomings, and if she were to point them out to me... I'd consider them..

-m

The boss and his inefficient subordinate

It's not methee.. it's you with your expectations and me trying to meet your deadlines. It's stressful, unnatural and takes away all motivation - why bother trying to please you if it's expected of me anyway.. if it's expected of me then it's not special. If it's not special, then it's nothing.

It's you telling me how to love you. I feel like I'm never good enough. You make me feel that way. Don't give expecting something in return. Expect nothing.. only then can I, with my heart, exceed all possible expectations, and express my love to it's boundless abundance.

I'm not going to say you are wrong, or that I am right, for that seems to incite only more dilemma-- I am only going to tell you that what you have just uttered to me is very unconventional and may universally sound distasteful and unfitting in the context of two individuals who say they are in love and willing to spend their lives in one anothers arms...

I would like to first start off with sharing my view on this topic of "expectation"-- I believe that what make a husband-wife and soulmate-soulmate relationship unique and distinct from any other human relation is the specialness of having internal comfort of mutual expectation, such that the other can always be relied upon and expected to be there and take that extra mile for them. Such that each one can look in the others eye and say with certainty "expect the world from me" and really mean it.

Without expectations we are nothing and feel empty in this world.. It is only through expectations of warmth, committment, and love that the human mind is in true harmony, otherwise we are in a cold vacuum. I cannot fathom living with someone whom I cannot expect to be faithful to me, or do things I ask for, or strive to make me happy and be sincere in their promises. IN turn I would expect that they have the same expectations from me. To me these are fundamentals, as they are to any normal human being on this planet. I would want to be comforted by hearing "Yes you should expect this from me", rather than "Don't expect anything from me, have low expectations from me". How can I live like that?

How can one be content when they internally have no faith, no expectation from their soulmate? Shouldn't both you and I expect one another to be there for each other always? Shouldn't I have the expectation that when I lie sick, you will care for me? Should I not be assured and content with such expectations from my future wife?


"if it's expected of me then it's not special. If it's not special, then it's nothing"-- I don't like this viewpoint, instead allow me to share what I think of this. By knowing what kind of behavior you expect from me, I know what makes you happy and is to your liking. Thus I can do one of two things:

1) I can undermine it, and forget it about it-- and in turn make you feel like crap and undeserving

or

2) I can naturally be in line with that expectation without taking effort, OR strive and not rest until I appreciate you by be in accord with expectations, and in turn allow you to feel warm and assured that in this cold world you have one person who makes you happy and you can rely on.

By doing #2, I will be content in knowing that I have done something that is beneficial to your mood and has made you happy... this in itself is 'special'. Because I love you, your pain is my pain, and your happiness is my happiness.


-m

You'll have a good counter argument, as always.. and I'll look like the fool, as always. You'll be satisfied that you have the last word, and I'll let you have it, unknowingly to my demise - because then I'm the one automatically in the wrong every other subsequent misunderstanding.

"It was in a teasing tone and had a *mach* in it".. Ofcourse, because you'll never admit otherwise. You are the harmless one always in the right, and me the paranoid one who always misinterprets and takes things badly. By default, I'm wrong. I would have argued that the underlying message was very clear amongst the tease and the mach.. but what do I know, I'm just a half-wit failure.

Forgive you? Forgive you for what? You were only teasing, and I took it wrong.. so what are you to be forgiven for? For making me feel bad? That's even more offensive - you're apologising for MY short-coming?

Fine, you're forgiven.. because I'm a good obedient wife like that.

Afareen, good girl.

-s