Pen in my mouth.. sitting there.. looking intensely onto the screen analyzing priviledged data only few in the world can witness... thinking.. hmming.. nodding.. my heartbeat breaking the silence of the dark.., as green and red lights flash onto the wall from my machines, reflecting onto my iris..



I stretched.. decided to check my email.. log on.. and on msn there she was.. I became quite surprised and my lips formed a faint smile... I message her.. she messages me back.. she says she can't go back to sleep, I smile and look forward to a nice conversation as I had missed her for the last 2 days and wanted to hear what she had been up to, and tell her about my trip, talk about some random ideas, and interesting things I wanted to hear her opinion on..exchange usual warmness from the soul.. before we could even begin talking, and get over with the boring dullness of the business idea I was telling her about that I feel no passion about, before I could begin sharing with her some thoughts and worthwhile... security enabled machinery sensed my use of public internet and shut down my whole system as to prevent data leakage..



Damn.. I hastily try to reboot the system.. thinking in the back of my mind how much I wanted to speak with her, under my breath urgently whispering "please work, please turn back on".. takes awhile to reboot.. *sigh of relieve* internet signal turn on after 8 mins.. I sign on to meemseen... she is gone.. sms is sent across the pond: "bia".. staring at the computer screen waiting eagerly for her to come on.. she responds that she suddenly feels sick and wants to lie down, and there is cancellation of our convo tomorrow.. "plz bia.. diq shudam.. 4 me".. a story about mum and A arises in the reply.. what can I say to this? What is her mum doing at 330am? Surely that is untouchable, and compliance to such news is the only option... "ok fine dear, sleep well".. Disappointed that she couldn't sign on for even 5-10 minutes... I comply.. she senses my disappointment as it becomes obvious..



In that darkness, I sat for 10 minutes.... an exchange of a few text messages with cliched "xo's" elapsed.. staring onto the dark wall.. thought about the sad reality.. I realized a reminder of pathetic reality had just givin me a nudge. Feeling empty.... unable to have total control and open up to the other heart, restrained from full access whenever you want.. perhaps the worst feeling a man can have, certainly for me it is the worst and only aspect of my life that I would want to erase from my psyche.. Why do I not erase it? Who wants such feelings? I surely don't.. but something radically keeps me latched on with an unwavering intensity and urgency that the angels of death may envy.... what that something is I am beginning to think about and wonder more and more..

I thought a moment of my assignment on another land.. thinking to myself.. what am I becoming.... becoming something that one can only fantasize about.. where will this lead me.. to my demise.. or to my rise.. the latter is the prize, while the former will only be a surprise.

Got out of the room.. my roomates lecture one another on magnetic feilds and circuits.. and with a smile I call them geeks.. and lie down on the couch after I sip some tea.. reach my hand under the couch and pull out one of my books.. "cholecystokinin".. this affects the NTS in the brainstem.. interesting..



Tired.. I brush my teeth.. decide to email her the rest of the convo.. and perhaps write on this blog that seems to be only conveying the deep thoughts of one person.. how symbolic and ironic.. intended for 2, but there is only 1.. me.. alone.